"Normal" - A Caregiver's Obstacle?

She and her mother had always (or never) been friends. Her family mostly (or rarely) got along with each other. Her love life wasn’t what she had hoped it would be (or was really quite all right.) Her marriage (or singledom) suited her (or didn’t.)

Then her mother became older. She slowed down and everyone said “That’s normal.” But then the daughter noticed that her mother seemed emotionally down most of the time, was not her normal self, and everyone said, “That’s not like her! Something must be wrong. Better give her meds.” The meds made her clumsy and eventually she fell down, and landed in rehab. Everyone said, “Give her time. She will be back to normal in no time.” 

So they gave it a little time. Mother went a little crazy in the rehab. It could have been the pain meds she was on, or it could have been the urinary tract infections that weren’t under control, or, as the doctor told the daughter, “You might want to just accept that this could be normal aging.” 

Through it all the daughter went ahead with life in the normal way—going to work, doing the laundry, to bed by 11:00—but then she would lie in bed and  (wisely) wonder, “What’s really happening?”

Her mother healed but was never the same. She now walked with a walker... but she still drove! She still drove! This is the new normal. And so it went. Over a period of months (or years,) one incident after another, each one changing the new normal. A stroke, and her mother was no longer beautiful. She didn’t socialize as she used to. She stopped doing the things she had loved. She fell again, and this time was relegated to a wheelchair. 

With each change, the daughter tried to adapt, telling herself, “This is the new normal.” She worked hard to keep her mother laughing and to keep the rest of herself running as normally as possible.

When her mother died, the daughter was stricken (or elated.) She couldn’t quite function as normal. People said, “You’re grieving. That’s normal.” But when a month had passed, two months, people began to say, “It’s time to bounce back. Maybe she needs meds. She needs to get back to her normal life.” 

Finally she asked herself the real question, “What IS normality anyway? What’s lost by spending so much energy trying to pretend that life is normal? Always measuring life against the benchmark of "normal"? What if I met life on its own terms, asking instead, “How could I do this in a new way?” "How could I learn from this?" She began telling the truth, savoring every moment for what it was, and learning from what it was not.

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A RECIPE FOR HOLIDAY PEACE (Part Two)

“I don't know the key to success

but the key to failure is

 trying to please everybody.”

~ Bill Cosby

In Part One we talked about how to think in new ways about the holidays so that the festivities you design really can be more peaceful. Here, in Part Two, we'll talk about ways to manage the people, your family and guests, to maximize the chances of creating that greater peace.

When a family member is ailing it effects the whole family, and functional families are rare. So, take a typical quirky family at the holidays, add a heavy dose of varied expectations (theirs and yours), toss in a collection of new time constraints, season liberally with a range of strong emotions and... can you smell the trouble brewing? (*See note at bottom about dealing with difficult families.)

How do you maximize the odds of having an intimate, even joyful holiday given all of that?  Notice, I’m not talking about simply asking for help. We’re shooting for something better; an inclusive conversation that builds family intimacy while relieving you of stress. Clear communication will lessen your feeling responsible for the happiness of the whole clan. But to communicate simply you need a simpler way to think about those involved. 

If you haven’t yet gotten out a piece of paper, now would be a good time. Imagine that your impending holiday looks like the cross-section of an onion, and the people who might participate in it are arranged on the layers. You and your loved one are at the center, and the others are at varying distances from the center. The one’s closest to the center are the ones you most trust, with whom you have the best communication. Now draw your onion. We’ll refer back to it.

Clearing Away Obstacles

“Few things can make us feel crazier

than expecting something from someone

who has nothing to give.”

~Melody Beattie

You may think that you know perfectly well how to talk to family, but this is no ordinary conversation. It needs to fulfill on that vision of joy and peace. Most of us enter such a conversation with a set of invisible assumptions that could be stumbling blocks for our new holiday possibilities. Which of these ring true for you?:

• Everyone knows what I’m dealing with! But do they really? Others don’t necessarily think like you, even within your own family. Some have different needs for self-protection or varying abilities to listen, cope emotionally, or be forthcoming. Also, if you’re the average caregiver you may not speak to family about what it feels like to you. How much do you regularly share? How would they know what you’re facing this holiday?

• They want the same things as I do this holiday. How do you know? Would you be surprised to learn that a family member has a different slant than yours on holiday necessities? Have you asked them?

• They expect me to do it all. Well, maybe, but only if you’ve always done it all without question in the past. Whatever their past expectations, some might be very happy to rethink things this holiday.

• Surely they can participate in Some way. This is where a dose of compassion may stand you in good stead. Even though they are family, they may be dealing with things you know nothing about. Why would that be? They may not want to burden you, or they may by nature be more private.  So be willing to accept No as an answer. If they can’t say No, they can’t really say Yes, so say “I love you”, let it go, and move on. 

While doing this, you may think of still other expectations that you have lurking about. If so, add them to the list. 

The Ingredients of Successful Communication

You might as well fall flat on your face

as lean over too far backward.

~ James Thurber

Communication experts will tell you that you can set up a conversation for the greatest success. Do you know the ingredients of a successful inclusive conversation that can foster family feeling?

Your state of heart and the words you use determine your success. How you ask will determine how you are heard. Looking at your holiday onion, you might ask yourself:

• What’s the best way to communicate with family and friends?  

• Am I making demands, making a request, or extending an invitation?

• What do I say? What exact words will have them hear me and also open them up to participating with me?

• What should I ask for, and how much? 

Looking at your “inner circles”, notice that these are the people with whom you feel at ease, who you trust, with whom you feel connected. Build your holiday thoughts and plans on this feel-good community. Whether they are family or friends, share with them your hopes for a happy holiday. By focusing on these people, you are already simplifying—your emotions around them are simpler, more restful. As you share with them, include them in the brainstorming about what could work.    

Worry less about the people further out on your relationship onion. Drop any expectations about what they would think, or how they should participate. If you want to feel good this holiday, focus on the people with whom you feel good. Simplify your feelings, thoughts, and expectations and you have laid the groundwork for a holiday of greater joy and peace.

You are the caregiver. Your physical and emotional health aren’t just important, they’re a necessity. Your health is inextricably entwined with your peace, so you owe it to yourself and your loved one to put in place the necessary ingredients for joy and peace this holiday. This may not end up being perfect but you don’t have to do it all. You can pave the way for a simpler, more joyful and participative holiday this year.

Holidays celebrated as a family caregiver are different. People are different too. Do what you can. Let that be enough. Make a little more time to decompress. Focus on relationships more than the trappings of the holidays. Ask others for partnership to help everyone get through the holidays a little happier, a little more peaceful, a little more grateful for all that you do have. And remember...

 "The past is history, the future is a mystery.

But today is a gift...that's why they call it the present.

So cherish every minute of it."

~ Elvis Stojko

*A NOTE ON DIFFICULT FAMILIES

If you have a very compassionate and giving family then you can more easily have the “How can we create this holiday together” conversation. But what if some of your family is more average, that is to say, somewhat difficult? Difficult people will likely be difficult regardless of what you say or do. As hard as it may be to imagine, they may be doing the best that they can. The stresses of the holidays push everyone to their emotional limit. Have compassion for them, while setting boundaries for you and your loved one. You can’t make other people happy or change them. You can only tend to your own state of mind and heart. 

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HOW TO DESIGN A PEACEFUL HOLIDAY (Part One)

“Insanity means doing the 

same thing, over and over,

and expecting different results”

~ Unknown

How much is enough? How many gifts? How many guests? How many items on your to-do list? The holidays are a time of abundance, so rarely do we think of “enough” except when we wonder Do I have enough time?  or Do I have enough money? Some would say that it takes guts to manage the holidays in the best of times. Ernest Hemingway defined guts as “grace under pressure”. But surely for you, the caregiver, there is a better way. What if you were to do the holidays differently this year? 

Perhaps you’re already thinking you’ll plan sensibly to organize festivities in a simpler way, but will that be adequate? Let’s take a deeper look at how you can have more of what you most need and want from this holiday season. For starters, you can’t get what you want unless you clearly know what you want, and also know how to get it.  Instead of going down that familiar road of Christmas Past, let’s explore ways to diminish the pressure and increase the peace. You, your loved one, and your family may find yourselves all having a more joyful and meaningful holiday.

Making Magic

As a caregiver it’s normal to assume that the success of the holidays lies squarely on your shoulders. After all, you’re pretty much able to manage the rest of the year. Why not now? Because Everything is more at this time of year, on the emotional plane as well, and most especially when you are the caregiver. As the emotional weight increases, so does the yearning for life as it once was. The holidays are a time of dreaming, sprinkled with the magic of yesterday. Even if you were capable of recreating what once was, if you allow expectations to creep in, you could be setting yourself up for exhaustion and disappointment. What can you do and what may be too much? 

First let’s look at some common caregiver expectations, and then at alternatives that may give you a better holiday. Don’t give up on the magic—you can make a new kind of magic, even with the present circumstances. 

The Holiday Essentials

 “Once in a while you have to

 take a break and visit yourself. “

~ Audrey Giorgi

Each of us has aspects of the holidays that are dear to our hearts. When you think of them, you smile. Just the thought gives you energy. What are yours? When you can identify what is most important to you, you can let go of the aspects that are draining. In the reclaimed space you might even connect more with yourself, generating peace in your heart that can source the whole holiday. Consider each of the following questions, looking for the answers that are absolutely true for you. Open your mind. Step back from your assumptions, looking for choices that you may not have considered. Writing down your thoughts will let you be more objective.

Preparations: What holiday preparations are truly necessary to you and which are essential to your loved one? Which ones give you or your loved one energy? What other aspects seem in some way important but actually drain you? Which ones might you dispense with or delegate to others?  

Guests: Who clearly needs to be present to bring the holiday alive? Who is most important to you, and who is important to your loved one? Could you manage to tell “certain others” that you’re scaling down, doing a simpler holiday this year? Of those that must come, who could stay nearby at a motel instead of with you? 

Food:  Which aspects of food preparation are a true joy to you or your loved one? Would it be okay with you if family brought some or all of the meal? Or could the meal even be ordered from a nearby restaurant? “Sacriledge!” I hear you say, but think about it!

Gifts: Would the family consider giving only one small gift per person or doing a yankee swap? Could you give simpler gifts— the singing of a song, reading a poem, or giving a special photograph, beautifully framed? Could you focus more on the gift of being together and less on the giving of things?

Partnering with Others

What would be possible if you asked others to partner with you in new ways this year? Including more family in preparations can increase holiday warmth. If you have friends who feel like family, talk to them too. We can’t always choose our family, but we can choose our friends. They might be touched to be honorary family in the simplification of your holidays, even those who may not be joining you. 

Family: Individually or at a family meeting, could you invite others to be on a holiday team, each picking one thing from your to-do list that would ease your load? Could a nearby family member offer respite care to give you time off from caregiving?

Friends: If you have friends who have been saying “How can I help?” is there a small service that they could do to give you some relief or make you feel less alone? By accepting help you gift others with the opportunity to give.

Professionals: Could you hire someone to do the housecleaning? Might you find respite care through a local senior center or assisted living facility to free you up from caregiving for a couple of days?

Some family members may think they know what would be helpful but need a little re-educating. They won't know what help looks like to You unless you tell them, so clarity and honesty can also help in getting you the help that you want and need.

Paring Down Commitments

"Besides the noble act of getting things done,

 there is the noble art of leaving things undone.

The wisdom of life consists in the elimination of non-essentials.”

 ~ Lin Yutang

What might be possible if, just for this pre-holiday, you pare down your commitments? People will understand if you have limited energy and resources this year. Give yourself a “time-out”.

Non-family: What are your on-going commitments to friends or organizations? Which commitments to friends may not be necessary between now and the holidays? Could you let organizations know that you won’t be available for the next few weeks? From which obligations might you like to permanently DE-commit? Does your workplace give special support to family caregivers during the holidays? It doesn’t hurt to ask. 

Family: What services or favors do you regularly do for other family members (including kids) that they could do for themselves? Could others take on the tasks that keep the household running?

If possible, include your loved one in these explorations. Let him/her be a part of the thinking, planning, and doing—participation is empowering for everyone. So now that you’re a little clearer about what’s necessary for a joyful holiday, how do you communicate with the rest of the family? 

READ PART TWO to learn ways to manage the people, your family and guests, to maximize the chances of creating that greater peace.

Read more!

Shifting Your Holiday Expectations (as published in "The Caregiver's Reader")

Shift Your Expectations of The Holidays
The holidays when caregiving are different, yet we bend over backwards to make them the same as they always were. At no other time are we so dedicated to pretending that nothing has changed. Preserve the simpler family traditions, but consider tossing out your more extreme expectations of the holidays, family members, and yourself. Stay in the present moment. Generate new, creative, simpler family traditions. Focus on gratitude for what you now have.

Shift Your Expectations of Others 
People are different too. The demands of the holidays compound the regular stresses of caregiving to push family members to their emotional limit. If they need to act out, if possible, let them be. As hard as it may be to imagine, they may be doing the best that they can. Have compassion while asserting your own boundaries. You can’t make other people happy, or make them act the way you would want. You can only tend to your own state of mind and heart. Do what you can. Let that be enough.

Shift Your Expectations of Yourself
As your own stresses mount, lower the bar on your expectations of yourself. Make a little more time to decompress. Focus on your relationships more than the trappings of the holidays. Ask for a little more help from others. The happiness and holiday spirit of everyone else are not your sole responsibility. Balancing the holiday house of cards on your shoulders is a vulnerable position for everyone. Tell them that, and then ask for their partnership to help everyone get through the holidays a little happier, a little more peaceful, a little more grateful for all that you do have.
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Questions for Caregivers

The following is an excerpt from my provocative interview with Byron Woodman of the wonderful website, QuestionsForLiving.com. 

So... if the quality of life depended on the quality of the questions we ask, what might that mean for caregiving?

The voyage of discovery lies not in finding new landscapes but in having new eyes.

—Marcel Proust

Whiteside: I began to see “life through new eyes” at age 33 when I took the Landmark Forum. That transformational training and subsequent workshops taught me, among other things, the power of a question, taking me into a vital new career, through ten years of challenging yet successful caregiving, into my current work as a caregiver’s coach and Elder advocate, and now into yet another reinvention of my life purpose. Chapter Three of my book, “The Caregiver’s Compass” begins by applying the power of questioning to surviving and thriving on the journey of family caregiving.

QFL: -  What questions did you ask yourself as a caregiver? -

Whiteside: The questions that drove my caregiving decade of survival and personal growth evolved from, 

To what am I committed? and How can I give without giving myself away? 

to 

What is the source of my energy and peace? and then

What would be available to me if I opened my heart to my mother? 

Those four little questions, as you can see, cover a lot of terrain. They were answered by applying to myself the life coaching principles that I had been learning and teaching others over the previous decade. And, yes, by the end of my decade with Mom we had forged a loving relationship.

QFL: - What questions do you ask caregivers that mindful caregivers can ask themselves -

Whiteside: 
In this one-and-only moment, what are my choices, inner and outer?

Since all we have is the present moment, the choices we make Now cause everything that follows. Everything hangs on that momentary question and its subsequent choice.

What “stories” do I tell myself about caregiving that make it harder?

Our inner stories give us our emotional experience of life, so we’d better make up good ones. Life-serving ones.

What are my strengths and survival habits?

A kneejerk positive attitude can blind you to the truth. The need to be right can have you miss important learning opportunities. Which survival habits are undermining your effectiveness? Which will help you to succeed?

What am I resisting that I might begin to allow?

Most energy sinks are cause by resisting someone or something. Therefore the more we can accept and allow, the less energy we waste.

When is my helping actually disempowering my Elder/loved one?

Are you trying to fix your loved ones life, or empower her/him? The two frequently work at cross purposes.

What are my expectations?

Expectations will often trip you up. Identify your expectations of caregiving, your family members, and yourself. Some expectations degrade the quality of caregiving. Whenever possible, consider lowering the bar.

QFL: - How do we go about being happier and continually learning? -

Whiteside: 
Mind your own business.

Don't try to change others.

Focus more on who you are being, and less on what you are doing.

Focus more on what the inner world of others looks like, and less on trying to convince them that your way is right.

If you keep getting disappointed, lower your expectations.

Be authentic.

Release control in favor of movement and resilience.

Notice resistance in your body, identify what you’re resisting, then let it be.

Repeatedly throughout the day step back from what is happening and just notice it without judgment.

Look for multiple ways of interpreting whatever is happening.

If life is just a series of stories we tell ourselves, continually ask, "What story would now best serve me?"

QFL: - How do you frame your coaching questions to help your clients optimize their learning -

Whiteside: I begin by giving the client ...

QFL: - - What questions do you think people should ask themselves to make this world a happier and healthier place to live? -

Whiteside: Byron, I’ve come to the belief that the only way to make the world happier and healthier is...

(see the full text at http://www.questionsforliving.com/categories/health/questions-caregiving)

Holly's Bio on Questions for Living:  http://www.questionsforliving.com/users/mindfulcaregiving

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THE INTENTIONAL CAREGIVER - PART FOUR

Here's another sneak preview of the “The Caregiver Hour” April radio show series entitled “The Intentional Caregiver” (see more info below). Here, we're looking at the weekly topics through the MindfulCaregiving lens. On Monday, 4/25, in this final show in the series, Kim and I will wrap up the month by sharing the most powerful key to a caregiver's peace of mind. Our guest will be Debra Young, Owner of Empowerability, LLC. See below details for tuning in or catching archived shows.

Part 4 — The Payoff of Intentional Acceptance

What you resist,
persists
— Carl Jung

Caregiving is littered with opportunities to practice the opposite of acceptance, resistance. It is normal to resist the behavior of others, the aging of your loved one, your own feelings of powerlessness, or the undeniable facts of aging and caregiving. That grip of tension in the jaw or solar plexus can be a sure sign that resistance to something is kicking in.

Resistance is one of the caregiver’s biggest energy drains. When you’re angry, frustrated, or judgmental, you’re locked into negative energy. The more you resist, the more time and energy you waste, the more resistance there is, and so on in a self-perpetuating drain cycle.

So, what to do with that? We start where we must always start, by looking straight at it. Even as we’re groping for a different action to take, it can be that the only right action is inaction. Stop. Take a breath. Notice what is. You can’t get beyond resistance until you clearly see it. What do you resist in caregiving? Make a list. Just seeing the list in front of you can give you some power over it.

What then? “What You Resist Persists” means also that “What you focus on is what you get.” Focus too long on being angry and you experience more anger. Focus on another’s annoying behaviors and you see only those annoying behaviors. Or, as Abraham Maslow put it, “When all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail”. So we don’t want to focus too long on our list.

Then what can we do? Steadily and intentionally question the source of the resistance and then seek out opportunities for acceptance, or allowing. Your greatest freedom rises from your power to intentionally choose to accept as much as possible in this caregiving journey of change. As the serenity prayer suggests, accept the things you cannot change, change the things you can, and be aware of the difference. I would add to that, then REfocus. When you see things you cannot change yet have a hard time accepting, refocus.

You can’t change other people, you can’t change many things in the course of caregiving, but you can wrest some peace from the grip of negativity, fear, and judgment. It takes no time at all. In fact, you can save precious moments, reclaiming them through acceptance and refocusing.


Check out “The Caregiver Hour” Radio Show

Throughout April, the topic of “The Caregiver Hour” weekly radio show will be “The Intentional Caregiver”. In four shows, Holly will join host Kim Linder and her guests to empower caregivers to approach caregiving with mindful intentionality.

“The Caregiver Hour” airs every Monday at 11:00 EST online at http://www.thecaregiverhour.com/ or on Tampa Bay radio WHNZ Station 1250 AM.
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RECAP - THE INTENTIONAL CAREGIVER - PART ONE

Here's what happened this morning on show #1, "The Cost of UNintentionality"...

We had a rich first show in “The Intentional Caregiver” April series on The Caregiver Hour radio, with host Kim Linder. Kim had graciously invited me to co-host the show, and we had two fabulous guests who spoke from quite diffrent perspectives about “The Cost of Unintentionality”.

Michele Gravelle, President of “Successful Conversations Now” is an expert on making relationships work. She is also long-distance caregiver for her 83-year-old parents. She brought the caregiver listeners deeply personal and powerful insights as she shared how she applies her knowledge to her caregiving. My take-away from the show? That Michele knows when she is acting UNintentionally (automatically) by the feelings in her body. Tension in her gut tells her to stop, take a deep breath, and question whether the way she is being is the most effective. She gets back in touch with herself. From that point, she said, numerous options and choices become available. Michele can be reached through http://successfulconversationsnow.com

Susan Avello, VP of AgingInfoUsa.com, broke wide open the much needed conversation about the “juggling act” experienced by working caregivers. She not only encouraged caregivers in the workplace to talk to their HR person about how the company can support their caregiving workers (20%-30% of employees!), she also emphasized the business advantages to companies ensuring that their caregiving employees are supported at work. Informational lunches led by local support services are one (often) free and effective way to give employees access to the support they need in order to keep working, and to minimize stress and downtime. AgingInfoUsa is a national company that advises corporations on how to put caregiver support programs in place.

The show also included Linda Burhans, Author and Caregiver Advocate with Harmony Home Health. They're having a contest for caregiver stories! Linda and Harmony Home Health are writing a book that is a collection of caregiver stories. For more, go to http://www.harmonyhh.com/caregiver-contest-tell-us-your-story/

Join us next Monday, 4/11, from 11-12 noon (EST) at www.thecaregiverhour.com for show #2 in the series. We’ll be talking with two more great guests about “The Payoff of Intentional Self-awareness”.
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THE INTENTIONAL CAREGIVER - PART FOUR

Here's another sneak preview of the “The Caregiver Hour” April radio show series entitled “The Intentional Caregiver” (see more info below). Here, we're looking at the weekly topics through the MindfulCaregiving lens. Last week's topic was "The Payoff of Intentional Connection", now available in the archive below.

Part 4 — The Payoff of Intentional Acceptance

What you resist,
persists
— Carl Jung

Caregiving is littered with opportunities to practice the opposite of acceptance, resistance. It is normal to resist the behavior of others, the aging of your loved one, your own feelings of powerlessness, or the undeniable facts of aging and caregiving. That grip of tension in the jaw or solar plexus can be a sure sign that resistance to something is kicking in.

Resistance is one of the caregiver’s biggest energy drains. When you’re angry, frustrated, or judgmental, you’re locked into negative energy. The more you resist, the more time and energy you waste, the more resistance there is, and so on in a self-perpetuating drain cycle.

So, what to do with that? We start where we must always start, by looking straight at it. Even as we’re groping for a different action to take, it can be that the only right action is inaction. Stop. Take a breath. Notice what is. You can’t get beyond resistance until you clearly see it. What do you resist in caregiving? Make a list. Just seeing the list in front of you can give you some power over it.

What then? “What You Resist Persists” means also that “What you focus on is what you get.” Focus too long on being angry and you experience more anger. Focus on another’s annoying behaviors and you see only those annoying behaviors. Or, as Abraham Maslow put it, “When all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail”. So we don’t want to focus too long on our list.

Then what can we do? Steadily and intentionally question the source of the resistance and then seek out opportunities for acceptance, or allowing. Your greatest freedom rises from your power to intentionally choose to accept as much as possible in this caregiving journey of change. As the serenity prayer suggests, accept the things you cannot change, change the things you can, and be aware of the difference. I would add to that, then REfocus. When you see things you cannot change yet have a hard time accepting, refocus.

You can’t change other people, you can’t change many things in the course of caregiving, but you can wrest some peace from the grip of negativity, fear, and judgment. It takes no time at all. In fact, you can save precious moments, reclaiming them through acceptance and refocusing.


Check out “The Caregiver Hour” Radio Show

Throughout April, the topic of “The Caregiver Hour” weekly radio show will be “The Intentional Caregiver”. In four shows, Holly will join host Kim Linder and her guests to empower caregivers to approach caregiving with mindful intentionality.

“The Caregiver Hour” airs every Monday at 11:00 EST online at http://www.thecaregiverhour.com/ or on Tampa Bay radio WHNZ Station 1250 AM.
Read more!

THE INTENTIONAL CAREGIVER - PART THREE

Here's another sneak preview of the “The Caregiver Hour” April radio shows. (More info below) Here we look at “The Intentional Caregiver” topics through the MindfulCaregiving lens. Last week's topic was "The Payoff of Intentional Self-awareness".


Part 3 — The Payoff of Intentional Connection

The time will come when,
with elation you will greet yourself
arriving at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other’s welcome
— Derek Walcott from “Love After Love”

Connection is our life’s blood—our connection to others, and our connection to ourselves. Some would add our connection to a Higher Power. Yet, like clothes in a washing machine, the intensity of caregiving’s “agitation cycles” can weaken the connective tissue of our lives. Relationships strain. Personal time dwindles. It takes intentionality to notice what we are sacrificing. We can even become so focused on Doing actions and service for our loved one that we forget to simply Be with our loved one, but that may be a thing we can’t afford to neglect.

The burgeoning movement promoting person-centered care ("Real Care Reform") in long-term care facilities is finding that putting human connection first when caring for another actually improves the well-being and physical health of everyone, the cared-for and the caregiver. The staff of the Eden Alternative Green House nursing homes know intimately the way intentional connection combats the three plagues of loneliness, helplessness and boredom (the three plagues that cause a person to lose interest in life.) They see people who have taken to walkers, or stopped speaking, begin walking on their own and speaking again. (See YouTube on “The Green House Nursing Home Alternative”, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l4Ap1ByNgKE. ) In these revolutionary nursing homes, human connection precedes and infuses the offering of medicines, baths, and especially meal times. Relationships thrive, while medical regimentation is virtually non-existent. Eden even has a program that bring the Eden principles into the home, teaching family caregivers how to create an environment for thriving. (To learn more, check out http://www.edenalt.org/eden-at-home.) (For more on "Real Care Reform" check out Eden founder Dr. Bill's blog at www.changingaging.org.)

If tending to connection with a loved one can improve the health of your loved one, what could more self-connection mean for your own well-being? Self-connection is found in the places, moments and experiences that fuel your spirit and balance your life.

If your own well-being were a priority for you, what would you do differently? Might you ask for help more often? If you are a can-do person, asking for help can actually empower you as it strengthens your connection to others. You become less alone, more flexible, your approach to life softens.

If you were to intentionally begin to notice the people, experiences and thoughts that drain your energy, and then eliminated most of these energy sinks, how much better would you feel on a daily basis? Eliminating energy sinks is a key way to rebalance your life so that it fuels you, day to day.

So take a deep breath. Intentionally focus on connecting with your loved one in ways that historically have been deeply meaningful to her/him. And in your private moments, do less of the things that drain you and more of the things that renew your spirit. Think empowering thoughts to leverage your well-being. Caregiving will be a kinder, gentler experience, a healthier time for everyone.

More about “The Caregiver Hour” Radio Show

Throughout April, the topic of “The Caregiver Hour” weekly radio show* will be “The Intentional Caregiver”. Over a series of four shows, Holly will join host Kim Linder and her guests to empower and enlighten caregivers on approaching caregiving with mindful intentionality.

“The Caregiver Hour” airs every Monday at noon EST online at http://www.thecaregiverhour.com/ or on Tampa Bay radio WHNZ Station 1250 AM
Read more!

THE INTENTIONAL CAREGIVER - PART TWO

Here's a sneak preview of the “The Caregiver Hour” April radio shows. (More info below) Here we look at “The Intentional Caregiver” topics through the MindfulCaregiving lens. Last week's topic was "The Cost of UNintentionality".

What’s Your Winning Formula?
The Payoff of Intentional Self-awareness

“We need to let go of fixed ideas, behaviors, attachments...
Unfettered, your true self flows to the surface
and moves you toward your purpose...”
~ Gabrielle Roth

Most of us think we know who we are. Our personalities, skills, attitudes, and values give us survival strategies for building a life that feels safe. Then caregiving hits. As we shift into full gear, how we respond is determined by our habitual tactics of the past.

At some point familiar ways of operating can stop working. As Sydney Rice-Harrild tells us in her book Choice Points, “We all have an internal system for producing results that operates on its own, helping us to produce consistent results without our even having to think about it, but it doesn’t work in our favor when what we want is managed change.” Caregiving IS change.

Not to worry —with a bit of intentional self-awareness you can prepare yourself. Start by making a list of your personal skills, traits, and strengths, sometimes called your “Winning Formula”. What’s Your winning formula? Notice how these tactics can serve you during caregiving. Yes, you came equipped.

But as you look at your list, also consider the caregiving situations in which these might not work as well. Do you take charge, telling others what to do? That may not always be appropriate. Do you isolate yourself to get your bearings? There might not always be time for that. Knowing your habitual tactics will allow you to adapt when they don’t work. Being mindfully aware will let you intentionally unattach from your habitual behaviors, allowing you to be flexible. On some level, there are no good or bad character traits—there is only what works in the moment. Be a learner. Caregiving will be easier and you will be more effective.

Now broaden your effectiveness still more by noting on your list the opposites of those tactics. Might not these be useful tools to add to your caregiving toolbox? Ever-changing circumstances can require new approaches, new ways of thinking and being. An outspoken person may need to learn tact. A reticent person may need to take charge. Tuning your awareness to who you are being throughout a caregiving day gives you more options for effectiveness. Know who you are, and you can choose who you need to be.

Intentional Caregiving opens the way to greater ease, smoother relationships, and an increase in personal power. You can gradually learn how to build your resilience and move with the prevailing winds of caregiving.

In the next article we’ll dig deeper into this practice of intentional focus, looking at “The Power of Intentional Connection“.


And Check out “The Caregiver Hour” Radio Show!

On the four Mondays in April, the topic of “The Caregiver Hour” weekly radio show* will be “The Intentional Caregiver”. Holly will join host Kim Linder and her guests to empower and enlighten caregivers on approaching caregiving with mindful intentionality. All shows are archived on-line for later access.

“The Caregiver Hour” airs every Monday at noon EST online at http://www.thecaregiverhour.com/ or on Tampa Bay radio WHNZ Station 1250 AM
Read more!

THE INTENTIONAL CAREGIVER - PART ONE

Throughout April, the topic of “The Caregiver Hour” weekly radio show* will be “The Intentional Caregiver”. Over a series of four shows, I will join host Kim Linder and her guests to empower and enlighten caregivers on approaching caregiving with mindful intentionality. (See below for more details.)

Here on TransformingCaregiving over the next few weeks, I’ll share with you a sneak preview of the shows by looking at the topics through the MindfulCaregiving lens.

The Cost of UNintentionality

People avoid change until the pain
of remaining the same is greater
than the pain of changing.
—Unknown

For most of us most of the time, our ordinary mode of operating is fairly unintentional. We run on automatic. We systematize, schedule, and routinize our days, trying to maximize effectiveness while minimizing insanity. We respond to others in habitual ways. We solve problems using familiar strategies.

Though these ways of operating seem to work in the early days of caregiving, later on they can undermine us and our best intentions. Over time, our habits carry costs to both the caregiver and their loved one, costs that may sound familiar: emotional and physical exhaustion, frustration, diminished self-worth, deflated spirit, and even disempowerment for and dimished connection with the loved one.

But it’s not our fault that we fall into difficulties as caregiving intensifies. There is an old proverb about frogs that explains how we can find ourselves in hot water. If you put a frog into boiling water, it will jump out. But if you put it in cool water and slowly heat it, the frog won’t jump—it will die. Like frogs, we can refuse to notice when the water we swim in has changed. Because our familiar ways of operating have kept us safe and in control in the past, we are very leery of changing our approach. But if we don’t learn to change and change to learn, we will end up in hot water.

There’s a saying that “You get what you focus on.” If caregiving isn’t all you would like it to be, where are you putting your focus? Focus on struggle, and you get struggle. But focus on challenge, and you get more energy. Start observing how you habitually think and operate, and begin to experiment with other ways. Less and less will you let your energy leak away through focus on past regrets or future fears. Bit by bit, over the coming days and weeks, intentionally refocus your attention on who you are being and how you are thinking. More and more you will nurture your presence to your loved one, as well as your connection with yourself.

Intentional Caregiving opens the way to greater ease, smoother relationships, and an increase in personal power. You can gradually learn how to build your resilience and move with the prevailing winds of caregiving. In the next article we’ll dig deeper into this practice of intentional focus, looking at "The Power of Intentional Self-awareness".

*”The Caregiver Hour” airs every Monday at noon EST online at http://www.thecaregiverhour.com/ or on Tampa Bay radio WHNZ Station 1250 AM. The topic of the first “The Intentional Caregiver” show will be “The Cost of UNintentionality”, and the following three shows will explore the gifts of intentional self-awareness, connection, and acceptance. Expert guests will address the topic from a wide variety of perspectives. We are especially excited to have invited Chris Perna to join the conversation. Chris is the CEO of The Eden Alternative (http://www.edenalt.org) the organization leading the movement for person-centered long-term care. Thanks to Kim for letting me partner with her in the design of this series, offering caregivers a "new thought" approach to caregiving.
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3 Principles & 9 Tips from “The Caregiver’s Compass"

In “The Caregiver’s Compass”, the reader applies a few basic principles to a wide range of caregiving issues and experiences. Whether looking at the value of anger, navigating crises, recharging the spirit, or picking your battles, the reader learns:

• First, be present, since it is only in the present moment that any of us makes a difference at all;
• Second, monitor your thoughts and the words with which you describe your caregiving. Since language creates reality (Searles, Flores), choose your words to create the best possible experience for you and your loved one;
• Third, notice your resistance to moments, circumstances, and people. Since “what you resist persists” (Jung), by choosing to allow things to be as they are, they are free to move and you can become unstuck.

Some tips or points to remember from the book include:

• If you’re going to make something up, make it life-serving. Speak and think in a way that generates the kind of caregiving you want to be doing.
• What you resist persists.
• Fear is usually not an indicator of a life-or-death crisis.
• Asking for support in the form of partnership can be empowering.
• Whatever your strengths, caregiving will call on you to stretch. Do what works rather than what is habitual.
• You can’t change someone else—you can only change your part of the equation.
• Give enough, but not too much. Helping or fixing can disempower your loved one.
• You already know the things that lift your spirit. Tend to them.
• Let humor grease the skids of your day.

Read what others are saying about "The Compass" at  www.caregiverscompass.com
Buy "The Compass" at Amazon.com at http://bit.ly/du1TGy
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A TIME TO SOW

Each morning when I open my eyes
I say to myself: "I, not events,
have the power to make me
happy or unhappy today.
—Groucho Marx (1890-1977)

You can sow seeds of resilience by practicing the art of partnership, by using humor to heal, and by choosing happiness. Yes, happiness can be a choice.

Partnership may be practiced with a trusted life partner, sibling or friend. Teach your partner and others to act on your terms, rather than taking over. Partnership requires candor, collaboration and boundaries. First, you need to know what you want (which is not always easy to express.) Then, you will need to speak clearly and non-judgmentally in order to be heard. Your partner and family may need to listen in new ways to acclimate to your new ways of operating and speaking.

Since caregiving is serious business, it calls for the medicine of humor. Humor not only mitigates times of tension, it is therapy. Therapists use humor to open clients for growth. It moves you through your emotional terrain. It also boosts your immune system. It is healing. Make a list of the things you laugh at and the people who make you laugh. Stock up on funny movies and books. Prescribe for yourself daily laughter.

And if you think happiness just happens to you, think again. To some extent, we feel victims to our emotions... often to the degree that we think we are. Here, too, we can become proactive. Study the conditions that give rise to your happiness. Build into your life the experiences, people, and ways of thinking that bring on a episode of happiness.
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Embracing the Moment

(from http://happydays.blogs.nytimes.com)

A reader responding to the Zen priest Norman Fischer’s post, “For the Time Being,” writes: Please, Mr Fischer... How do we/you go about resolving living in the moment with active engagement in the world?... If the awareness — the “embracing of the moment” — is available to everyone, we need more about how this can happen among the relentless demands of daily life.
Norman Fischer replies:

Well, very briefly, there is no contradiction between living in the world as it is and “embracing the moment.” Though a retreat may be helpful training, it is just that. Everything takes place in a moment of time — conflict, annoyance, love, peacefulness, anxiety. A moment of time is the only place we are alive, every day, all day long. We want to live all of human life, the good and the bad, but be able to be there for it, rather than try, unsuccessfully, to run away. Being there is more satisfying, more fun, and more effective. So I work with (for instance) caregivers for the dying, using mindfulness and presence to be there with patients and families, with grief and joy. I use it with conflict resolution professionals to help them be more clearly present with their own emotions, so they can help their embattled clients better. How do you do this? It would be great if I could write a post on The New York Times Web site that would explain it step by step, and that was all there was to it. Great, but too simple, of course. Yes, there are ways and techniques to employ, but the main thing is practice, repetition, reflection, effort, suffering, the usual. Eventually you are able to see that it does work. And you are continually challenged. You keep on practicing, keep on learning. It’s a process, and a commitment you are happy to make because you like it, and it works. Life gets better and more interesting. At least this is what I have seen for myself and in thousands of others. Maybe it is not everyone’s cup of tea.
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