THE INTENTIONAL CAREGIVER - PART FOUR

Here's another sneak preview of the “The Caregiver Hour” April radio show series entitled “The Intentional Caregiver” (see more info below). Here, we're looking at the weekly topics through the MindfulCaregiving lens. On Monday, 4/25, in this final show in the series, Kim and I will wrap up the month by sharing the most powerful key to a caregiver's peace of mind. Our guest will be Debra Young, Owner of Empowerability, LLC. See below details for tuning in or catching archived shows.

Part 4 — The Payoff of Intentional Acceptance

What you resist,
persists
— Carl Jung

Caregiving is littered with opportunities to practice the opposite of acceptance, resistance. It is normal to resist the behavior of others, the aging of your loved one, your own feelings of powerlessness, or the undeniable facts of aging and caregiving. That grip of tension in the jaw or solar plexus can be a sure sign that resistance to something is kicking in.

Resistance is one of the caregiver’s biggest energy drains. When you’re angry, frustrated, or judgmental, you’re locked into negative energy. The more you resist, the more time and energy you waste, the more resistance there is, and so on in a self-perpetuating drain cycle.

So, what to do with that? We start where we must always start, by looking straight at it. Even as we’re groping for a different action to take, it can be that the only right action is inaction. Stop. Take a breath. Notice what is. You can’t get beyond resistance until you clearly see it. What do you resist in caregiving? Make a list. Just seeing the list in front of you can give you some power over it.

What then? “What You Resist Persists” means also that “What you focus on is what you get.” Focus too long on being angry and you experience more anger. Focus on another’s annoying behaviors and you see only those annoying behaviors. Or, as Abraham Maslow put it, “When all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail”. So we don’t want to focus too long on our list.

Then what can we do? Steadily and intentionally question the source of the resistance and then seek out opportunities for acceptance, or allowing. Your greatest freedom rises from your power to intentionally choose to accept as much as possible in this caregiving journey of change. As the serenity prayer suggests, accept the things you cannot change, change the things you can, and be aware of the difference. I would add to that, then REfocus. When you see things you cannot change yet have a hard time accepting, refocus.

You can’t change other people, you can’t change many things in the course of caregiving, but you can wrest some peace from the grip of negativity, fear, and judgment. It takes no time at all. In fact, you can save precious moments, reclaiming them through acceptance and refocusing.


Check out “The Caregiver Hour” Radio Show

Throughout April, the topic of “The Caregiver Hour” weekly radio show will be “The Intentional Caregiver”. In four shows, Holly will join host Kim Linder and her guests to empower caregivers to approach caregiving with mindful intentionality.

“The Caregiver Hour” airs every Monday at 11:00 EST online at http://www.thecaregiverhour.com/ or on Tampa Bay radio WHNZ Station 1250 AM.
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RECAP - THE INTENTIONAL CAREGIVER - PART ONE

Here's what happened this morning on show #1, "The Cost of UNintentionality"...

We had a rich first show in “The Intentional Caregiver” April series on The Caregiver Hour radio, with host Kim Linder. Kim had graciously invited me to co-host the show, and we had two fabulous guests who spoke from quite diffrent perspectives about “The Cost of Unintentionality”.

Michele Gravelle, President of “Successful Conversations Now” is an expert on making relationships work. She is also long-distance caregiver for her 83-year-old parents. She brought the caregiver listeners deeply personal and powerful insights as she shared how she applies her knowledge to her caregiving. My take-away from the show? That Michele knows when she is acting UNintentionally (automatically) by the feelings in her body. Tension in her gut tells her to stop, take a deep breath, and question whether the way she is being is the most effective. She gets back in touch with herself. From that point, she said, numerous options and choices become available. Michele can be reached through http://successfulconversationsnow.com

Susan Avello, VP of AgingInfoUsa.com, broke wide open the much needed conversation about the “juggling act” experienced by working caregivers. She not only encouraged caregivers in the workplace to talk to their HR person about how the company can support their caregiving workers (20%-30% of employees!), she also emphasized the business advantages to companies ensuring that their caregiving employees are supported at work. Informational lunches led by local support services are one (often) free and effective way to give employees access to the support they need in order to keep working, and to minimize stress and downtime. AgingInfoUsa is a national company that advises corporations on how to put caregiver support programs in place.

The show also included Linda Burhans, Author and Caregiver Advocate with Harmony Home Health. They're having a contest for caregiver stories! Linda and Harmony Home Health are writing a book that is a collection of caregiver stories. For more, go to http://www.harmonyhh.com/caregiver-contest-tell-us-your-story/

Join us next Monday, 4/11, from 11-12 noon (EST) at www.thecaregiverhour.com for show #2 in the series. We’ll be talking with two more great guests about “The Payoff of Intentional Self-awareness”.
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THE INTENTIONAL CAREGIVER - PART FOUR

Here's another sneak preview of the “The Caregiver Hour” April radio show series entitled “The Intentional Caregiver” (see more info below). Here, we're looking at the weekly topics through the MindfulCaregiving lens. Last week's topic was "The Payoff of Intentional Connection", now available in the archive below.

Part 4 — The Payoff of Intentional Acceptance

What you resist,
persists
— Carl Jung

Caregiving is littered with opportunities to practice the opposite of acceptance, resistance. It is normal to resist the behavior of others, the aging of your loved one, your own feelings of powerlessness, or the undeniable facts of aging and caregiving. That grip of tension in the jaw or solar plexus can be a sure sign that resistance to something is kicking in.

Resistance is one of the caregiver’s biggest energy drains. When you’re angry, frustrated, or judgmental, you’re locked into negative energy. The more you resist, the more time and energy you waste, the more resistance there is, and so on in a self-perpetuating drain cycle.

So, what to do with that? We start where we must always start, by looking straight at it. Even as we’re groping for a different action to take, it can be that the only right action is inaction. Stop. Take a breath. Notice what is. You can’t get beyond resistance until you clearly see it. What do you resist in caregiving? Make a list. Just seeing the list in front of you can give you some power over it.

What then? “What You Resist Persists” means also that “What you focus on is what you get.” Focus too long on being angry and you experience more anger. Focus on another’s annoying behaviors and you see only those annoying behaviors. Or, as Abraham Maslow put it, “When all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail”. So we don’t want to focus too long on our list.

Then what can we do? Steadily and intentionally question the source of the resistance and then seek out opportunities for acceptance, or allowing. Your greatest freedom rises from your power to intentionally choose to accept as much as possible in this caregiving journey of change. As the serenity prayer suggests, accept the things you cannot change, change the things you can, and be aware of the difference. I would add to that, then REfocus. When you see things you cannot change yet have a hard time accepting, refocus.

You can’t change other people, you can’t change many things in the course of caregiving, but you can wrest some peace from the grip of negativity, fear, and judgment. It takes no time at all. In fact, you can save precious moments, reclaiming them through acceptance and refocusing.


Check out “The Caregiver Hour” Radio Show

Throughout April, the topic of “The Caregiver Hour” weekly radio show will be “The Intentional Caregiver”. In four shows, Holly will join host Kim Linder and her guests to empower caregivers to approach caregiving with mindful intentionality.

“The Caregiver Hour” airs every Monday at 11:00 EST online at http://www.thecaregiverhour.com/ or on Tampa Bay radio WHNZ Station 1250 AM.
Read more!

THE INTENTIONAL CAREGIVER - PART THREE

Here's another sneak preview of the “The Caregiver Hour” April radio shows. (More info below) Here we look at “The Intentional Caregiver” topics through the MindfulCaregiving lens. Last week's topic was "The Payoff of Intentional Self-awareness".


Part 3 — The Payoff of Intentional Connection

The time will come when,
with elation you will greet yourself
arriving at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other’s welcome
— Derek Walcott from “Love After Love”

Connection is our life’s blood—our connection to others, and our connection to ourselves. Some would add our connection to a Higher Power. Yet, like clothes in a washing machine, the intensity of caregiving’s “agitation cycles” can weaken the connective tissue of our lives. Relationships strain. Personal time dwindles. It takes intentionality to notice what we are sacrificing. We can even become so focused on Doing actions and service for our loved one that we forget to simply Be with our loved one, but that may be a thing we can’t afford to neglect.

The burgeoning movement promoting person-centered care ("Real Care Reform") in long-term care facilities is finding that putting human connection first when caring for another actually improves the well-being and physical health of everyone, the cared-for and the caregiver. The staff of the Eden Alternative Green House nursing homes know intimately the way intentional connection combats the three plagues of loneliness, helplessness and boredom (the three plagues that cause a person to lose interest in life.) They see people who have taken to walkers, or stopped speaking, begin walking on their own and speaking again. (See YouTube on “The Green House Nursing Home Alternative”, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l4Ap1ByNgKE. ) In these revolutionary nursing homes, human connection precedes and infuses the offering of medicines, baths, and especially meal times. Relationships thrive, while medical regimentation is virtually non-existent. Eden even has a program that bring the Eden principles into the home, teaching family caregivers how to create an environment for thriving. (To learn more, check out http://www.edenalt.org/eden-at-home.) (For more on "Real Care Reform" check out Eden founder Dr. Bill's blog at www.changingaging.org.)

If tending to connection with a loved one can improve the health of your loved one, what could more self-connection mean for your own well-being? Self-connection is found in the places, moments and experiences that fuel your spirit and balance your life.

If your own well-being were a priority for you, what would you do differently? Might you ask for help more often? If you are a can-do person, asking for help can actually empower you as it strengthens your connection to others. You become less alone, more flexible, your approach to life softens.

If you were to intentionally begin to notice the people, experiences and thoughts that drain your energy, and then eliminated most of these energy sinks, how much better would you feel on a daily basis? Eliminating energy sinks is a key way to rebalance your life so that it fuels you, day to day.

So take a deep breath. Intentionally focus on connecting with your loved one in ways that historically have been deeply meaningful to her/him. And in your private moments, do less of the things that drain you and more of the things that renew your spirit. Think empowering thoughts to leverage your well-being. Caregiving will be a kinder, gentler experience, a healthier time for everyone.

More about “The Caregiver Hour” Radio Show

Throughout April, the topic of “The Caregiver Hour” weekly radio show* will be “The Intentional Caregiver”. Over a series of four shows, Holly will join host Kim Linder and her guests to empower and enlighten caregivers on approaching caregiving with mindful intentionality.

“The Caregiver Hour” airs every Monday at noon EST online at http://www.thecaregiverhour.com/ or on Tampa Bay radio WHNZ Station 1250 AM
Read more!

THE INTENTIONAL CAREGIVER - PART TWO

Here's a sneak preview of the “The Caregiver Hour” April radio shows. (More info below) Here we look at “The Intentional Caregiver” topics through the MindfulCaregiving lens. Last week's topic was "The Cost of UNintentionality".

What’s Your Winning Formula?
The Payoff of Intentional Self-awareness

“We need to let go of fixed ideas, behaviors, attachments...
Unfettered, your true self flows to the surface
and moves you toward your purpose...”
~ Gabrielle Roth

Most of us think we know who we are. Our personalities, skills, attitudes, and values give us survival strategies for building a life that feels safe. Then caregiving hits. As we shift into full gear, how we respond is determined by our habitual tactics of the past.

At some point familiar ways of operating can stop working. As Sydney Rice-Harrild tells us in her book Choice Points, “We all have an internal system for producing results that operates on its own, helping us to produce consistent results without our even having to think about it, but it doesn’t work in our favor when what we want is managed change.” Caregiving IS change.

Not to worry —with a bit of intentional self-awareness you can prepare yourself. Start by making a list of your personal skills, traits, and strengths, sometimes called your “Winning Formula”. What’s Your winning formula? Notice how these tactics can serve you during caregiving. Yes, you came equipped.

But as you look at your list, also consider the caregiving situations in which these might not work as well. Do you take charge, telling others what to do? That may not always be appropriate. Do you isolate yourself to get your bearings? There might not always be time for that. Knowing your habitual tactics will allow you to adapt when they don’t work. Being mindfully aware will let you intentionally unattach from your habitual behaviors, allowing you to be flexible. On some level, there are no good or bad character traits—there is only what works in the moment. Be a learner. Caregiving will be easier and you will be more effective.

Now broaden your effectiveness still more by noting on your list the opposites of those tactics. Might not these be useful tools to add to your caregiving toolbox? Ever-changing circumstances can require new approaches, new ways of thinking and being. An outspoken person may need to learn tact. A reticent person may need to take charge. Tuning your awareness to who you are being throughout a caregiving day gives you more options for effectiveness. Know who you are, and you can choose who you need to be.

Intentional Caregiving opens the way to greater ease, smoother relationships, and an increase in personal power. You can gradually learn how to build your resilience and move with the prevailing winds of caregiving.

In the next article we’ll dig deeper into this practice of intentional focus, looking at “The Power of Intentional Connection“.


And Check out “The Caregiver Hour” Radio Show!

On the four Mondays in April, the topic of “The Caregiver Hour” weekly radio show* will be “The Intentional Caregiver”. Holly will join host Kim Linder and her guests to empower and enlighten caregivers on approaching caregiving with mindful intentionality. All shows are archived on-line for later access.

“The Caregiver Hour” airs every Monday at noon EST online at http://www.thecaregiverhour.com/ or on Tampa Bay radio WHNZ Station 1250 AM
Read more!

From Caregivers to Carepartners

When we begin to focus on Elders as people who continue to "grow and become," we open to what they have to offer us. Seeing Elders as mentors with something to give helps us make the leap from caregiving... to care partnering. When those usually described as care receivers learn they have something to give - and there is always some way that they can, no matter how subtle -and those usually described as care givers deeply acknowledge the ways that they receive from care receivers, some amazing shifts occur in the care dynamic. They become Care Partners."

Instead of seeing the needs of 'caregivers' as separate from the needs of 'care receivers,' we need to focus on the well-being of the whole care partnership. At the Eden Alternative, we firmly believe that words make worlds. Like the term 'Elder,' the phrase 'Care Partner' is an excellent example of the transformative power of choosing our language carefully. As a concept, care partnership evens the playing field, as it is often easy to get trapped in a one-dimensional experience of care. With this in mind, teams must fully appreciate what it means to be a care partner team. The term "care partner" should never be used simply as a politically-correct replacement for the words "staff" or "aide" or "caregiver/care receiver." Care partnership encompasses so much more, both in nursing homes and out in the larger community.

By our definition, a care partner team is composed of the following care partners: the Elder herself; those care partners who work with her, whether they work in a nursing home or through home health support; her family members, friends, volunteers, and any other health professionals that collaborate with her. Care partnering implies a balance of care, that opportunities to give as well as receive are abundant and experienced by everyone involved in the care relationship in every moment. To deepen the experience of care partnership, consider holding Learning Circles on the subject that bring Elders and all of their care partners together.


From the Eden Alternative Tip of the Week, 7/11/2010
Understanding Care Partnership
http://www.edenalt.org
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Who Will You Be in Caregiving?

Using the Enneagram for Effective Caregiving

The real act of discovery is not in finding new lands,
but in seeing with new eyes.
—Marcel Proust

When I was a kid, one of my role models was Horton the elephant from Dr. Seuss. His phrase, “I meant what I said and I said what I meant—an elephant’s faithful, one-hundred percent!” became my childhood mantra. It was important to me to be dependable and to speak intentionally, and it still is. Since then, these values (or traits) and others have guided my life, but they haven't always been enough.

Each of us knows the character traits that make us strong and help us to thrive. What are your best loved character traits? Which ones have gotten you through tough times? Which ones have made your relationships work? Especially in the early stages of caregiving, these character traits will help you.

But, increasingly, caregiving will stretch you. If you have been a verbal person, you may need to hone your listening skills. If you have been a habitual giver, you may need to develop boundaries. If you have been a problem solver, you may be called on to accept life as it is.

The Enneagram, a powerful and flexible personality typing system, can serve as a useful tool for revealing how you can grow in order to do the caregiving to which you are committed. The following table gives you a glimpse of how the system might be used. With further study, it can help you not only to navigate caregiving, but also to manage your relationships with family and professionals. To learn the richness and depth of the Enneagram, visit
http://personal-growth-counseling.com/enneagram.html.

Below is a simplistic list of the nine personality types of the Enneagram. Next to each is the “growth point,” or the characteristics that such a person might want to strengthen.

THE NINE ENNEAGRAM TYPES & OPPORTUNITIES FOR GROWTH

Type 1 - The Perfectionist, or The Judge
Knows what is correct and right. Sees in black and white.
Grows by knowing what they want, instead of what would be right.

Type 2 - The Giver
Central focus is on giving to others. Can feel they deserve something in return.
Grows by discovering what they themselves want, and by being alone.

Type 3 - The Showman or Achiever
Conscious of image, action and performance.
Grows by seeing themselves separate from image and achievement.

Type 4 - The Tragic Romantic
Loves the drama of life, but can look too much for what is missing.
Grows by appreciating and feeling satisfied, knowing what they have is enough.

Type 5 - The Student or Observer
Loves to learn about a variety of subjects, but self-sufficiency can cause isolation.
Grows by entering the realm of their feelings, joining mind and emotion.

Type 6 - Problem Solver or Skeptic
Fear causes a preoccupation w/ safety and trust issues, the need to nail down loose ends of life.
Grows by developing faith and the courage to be their own authority.

Type 7 - Playful Optimist
Playfully imaginative, looks for the pleasures of life, but can seem self-indulgent.
Grows by staying instead of leaving, dealing with their pain, developing emotional depth.

Type 8 - The Boss or Challenger
Wields authority, fights passionately for justice, can enjoy a good arguement.
Grows by learning to wait, listening to the other’s perspective, questioning their ideas.

Type 9 - Peacemaker
Instinctively understands others, but can lose connection with self.
Grows by clarifying the self, by maintaining boundaries for self in the face of conflict.
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Learning from Anger

Anger is a signal,
and one worth listening to.
— Harriet Lerner, The Dance of Anger

As a culture, we are confused about anger. Is anger a good thing to let out, or an inappropriate self-indulgence? How can we manage it well if we’re not sure how to think about it? Might it even be useful to us during caregiving?

Before you get carried away with yourself, stop and think. Understanding your anger could be an act of self-preservation. Rather than denying anger or wishing it would go away, try thinking about it this way. Anger is normal. Not only that, within limits it can be healthy and useful. We’re not talking about pathological anger that is unleashed as a weapon to damage or control others. Rather, this is the domesticated variety that can be a highly valuable signpost.

Anger can let you know what you are ignoring. It may show you when you are neglecting your own needs. If you are over tired, haven't taken time for yourself, haven't been exercising or eating properly, you may over-react to things you would normally handle well.

Anger may also raise its head when you are resisting some aspect of life that you would be better off accepting. Caregiving gets a whole lot smoother when you look at what you’re resisting and accept what you cannot change.

If you have unrealistic expectations of yourself, others, the medical community or your caregiving experience you have set yourself up for anger. Life simply can’t measure up, so try lowering or changing your expectations.

Finally, anger will show you when you need to be speaking up about something. Feelings of constructive anger are often valid and understandable. When we tamp them down instead of exploring and expressing them appropriately, they build up.

The next time you find your anger welling up, ask yourself:

1. Is this an immediate life or death issue? If not then perhaps your reaction is out of proportion, or at best, unhelpful. When you take the time for a deep breath, you can see that these off-the-wall reactions give a clear message. If you have spoken harshly to someone, apologize. Ask them to understand the stress you are under. Then take some downtime. Take a walk. Do some yoga. The best way to respond to issues will be found. The answers will come.

2. Am I upset about something over which I have no control? You can’t change other people or certain aspects of caregiving. Of course there will be instances when you need to take action, but other aspects simply are as they are. You can always try to shift your interpretation of them, or even consider accepting them. If you find yourself thinking, “Why can’t he see what he’s doing?” or “Why can’t she be different!” stop and think about the other’s personality traits or changing life conditions. Who must they be to be speaking or acting as they are? Precious time and energy are spent railing against the personality or behaviors of others, when understanding them, even having compassion for them, and/or making clear requests gets a situation resolved.

3. Do I need to communicate about something important to me? If you do, plan out what you will say and how you will say it. What words might the other person be able to hear? Speak with compassion. Using “I” statements will make what you have to say easier to hear. For instance, let’s say you need to ask your life partner for help. Make your request cleanly, as in, “I am feeling major stress from doing all my usual home chores AND helping my Mom. Could we just talk about another way we could team up to get the household chores done? I think I might crack otherwise.”

Emotional availability to life is essential for vital living. It is part of being awake to life. When emotions are managed well, the ebb and flow between practical brain and emotional intelligence creates a rhythm that can buoy and empower you as you navigate caregiving.

Let your healthy feelings flow through you. Ride them, giving them their proper place in your scheme of things. Take considered action when you need to, but when a situation is out of your hands, relinquish control and give yourself energy outlets. Be patient with yourself. You are getting your new sea legs. As you move over the shifting ground of caregiving, accept the movement. With acceptance you may be present enough to see the blessings in this time. Look for them.

As always, if any aspect of caregiving feels to be too much for you, consider seeking the support of a good therapist or counselor. The relief alone of having someone totally there for You can take much of the pressure off.
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Resisting Caregiving – The Science of Fine–tuning Your Emotional Accessibility and Mental Health

(Harmony) is when...
“Yes” is tempered by a gentle “No,”
and “No” is expanded with measured compassion.
— Mrs. Chana Rachel Schusterman

Few of us have struck the perfect balance between empathy and self-preservation. While it is not widely discussed in health science and healthcare, resistance to the thought of caregiving is common, and can come from feeling too much—too much needful caring, or too much fear.

It is possible to be so entangled in love for a person that the thought of watching her/his decline feels impossible. Or if your loved one historically has been an unsafe person for you, abusive either emotionally or physically, you are likely to feel an aversion to getting that close. Too much caring can swamp you making you ineffective. Too great an aversion will limit your caregiving to merely basic maintenance. Or perhaps you feel pulled in two by simultaneous love and aversion. In any case, if you can approach caregiving as a series of learnings it can provide a precious opportunity for greater health, relatedness, and personal completion.

If any of the above feels familiar to you, yet you have decided to take on caregiving, you can learn to find a healthy and effective middle ground of healthy caring and emotional safety by fine tuning your emotional accessibility. Caregiving, for you, can be an opportunity to become more present to yourself while becoming a more effective caregiver.

For instance, if you feel empathetic to your loved one to the point of entanglement, your vulnerability will make caregiving a struggle. Notice if you have entanglements in other relationships. Then take steps to learn about developing your boundaries. Books and websites offer ample suggestions to get you started. Learning how to extricate yourself now, to reclaim an empowered sense of autonomy, will make all of your relationships healthier and all of life easier.

On the other extreme, if your loved one was unreliable or brutal when you were a child and you responded by shutting down your emotions, your challenge will be different. If being with your loved one clearly feels unsafe due to a history of emotional or physical abuse, or if you feel deep seated rage, consider contributing minimally or long distance. But if, as an adult, you have managed to gain some emotional balance about your shared history, this could be an opportunity to come to greater peace with your loved-one. Is it worth it to you to try? Only you can say. If, given your current adult status, it seems right and wise to attempt to resolve your history with your loved one, compassion could be the key to making the shift. You can’t change others, but you can shift the way you think and feel about them. You will need to stretch yourself, to work up some acceptance of who your loved one is, shortcomings and all. This doesn’t mean that what they did was right—only that they were who they were. The seeds of who (s)he is now were probably planted before you were born. Understanding and acceptance breed compassion. Compassion will allow you your fullest possible expression as a caregiver, and fuller self-expression in all of your relationships.

Making such a fundamental relational shift can be greatly facilitated by working with a trained therapist to move your boundaries. Whether you are entangled or aloof, a comprehensive self-care program can support you, but it is a bandaid compared to healthier boundaries.

Caregiving also brings with it an automatic shifting of roles that will help to rebalance your relationship. If your loved one becomes somewhat childlike, your adult self will begin naturally to take its place in the relationship. If your loved one is authoritative or judgmental, you can discover in yourself a new stronger voice than when you were a child. Adjusting to this shift takes time. It feels strange. You may find yourself both grieving and celebrating the change. Be patient with yourself. You are growing in ways that will pay off for years to come.
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