WHERE MY RUBBER MEETS THE ROAD IN THE NURSING HOME

Greetings!

For those of you who have periodically enjoyed my MindfulCaregiving articles about Being and Doing in caregiving, I beg your indulgence as I digress a bit today from my usual style. I have entered a new and (to me) important phase in my mission to grow person-centered care. It is time for me to share my journey thus far with you, but if your taste buds are primed for a meaty article to sink your teeth into first, click here to see the one I just posted on Senior Health Weekly, 
 Doctor, I am So Lonely" The Power of Human Connection 

For those of you still with me, the last nine months have been an educational ride at a large county nursing home where I've been working for close to three years. We are now on the brink of a radically new phase of our person-centered initiative.

A little background: In 2009, when I learned about The Eden Alternative and their revolutionary approach to building community in nursing homes, I became certified as an Eden Alternative Associate, but what then? I didn't work in a nursing home as did my classmates, so I joined the flegling NH Culture Change Coalition to keep learning, and to look for a way in, to be DOING culture change rather than just talking about it. Culture change is an experience, not just an idea. When I first heard of the Office of the Longterm Care Ombudsman, I thought, Aha! A way to do meaningful work in a nursing home! I trained and became the Ombudsman for a large local county nursing home with over 200 residents. That was where my rubber met the road. I began to learn, ALOT! 

Over a period of two years, I walked the fine line between the needs of the residents and the limitations of the medical nursing home model, seeing the frustrations of both sides. I also found myself up against the stereotype of the Ombudsman as a policing force (not my style at all) but I supported a number of residents, learned what I needed to learn, and developed a groundwork of trust with many of the residents, staff, and administration. 

My belief that  What you look for, you get  grew. As a possibility-oriented person rather than problem-oriented person, my position eventually began to feel restrictive. When I admitted that it was time for a change, I offered myself to the administrator as a volunteer to begin fostering person-centered programming through the Activities Department.

Why the Activities Department? I see it as the not-always-acknowledged heart of the nursing home. The staff are trusted by residents. Starting by doing programming through Activities seemed to be a lower-risk point of entry than trying to jump right into Person-centered Care working with the nursing staff. I wanted first to give the residents the experience of being listened to and offered real choices based on who they were as unique individuals.

As a long-time student of change—my own, that of others, and of organizations—I have a sense of the complexity, breadth, and subtlety of true culture change, as well the many misconceptions about it. I also know that change is an organic process that usually takes time. When taken too fast and in a left-brained forceful way it can do damage. When taken slowly, it can evolve, as a garden grows.  

In my diary eight months ago I wrote:

It is perfect that I write this in early March, just as the weather warms and the tiny shoots begin to peek their head out of the garden—our first programming steps feel like warming the soil. A month ago, just about the time of Imbolc (the Feb. third celebration of the seeds beginning to move in the ground in preparation for spring) I began planting seeds with the residents of my nursing home, sitting one-on-one and feeling for their receptivity. A month later I met with a group of 15 residents and as I spoke, I saw the lights begin to come on, one by one. They said Yes to being considered The Resident Advisory Group for Personalized Activities Programming. It is also perfect that, as I write this, I am scared. One doesn’t begin this sort of heartful endeavor without trepidation. Tending to the environment of living beings is a humbling thing. I believe that one of the many prerequisites for participating in real culture change is personal vulnerability.

The next five months were a rocky road of unpredictable successes and setbacks. When the Activities Director quit unexpectedly, we forged ahead for almost three months with hardly any departmental support, though the staff did bail us out a couple of times, giving me a 3-minute crash course in nursing home protocol. The residents experienced participating in the blow by blow planning and execution of their ideas, and enjoyed seeing the results. By that time, the group had not unexpectedly dwindled and I took some time off to recuperate, but two residents who had caught the spark joined Seniors Aid New Hampshire, a coalition of over 30 New Hampshire nursing home residents committed to improving life for people in the state. They started a statewide petition letting residents raise their voices to change federal legislation that has allowed some residents to be denied their pain medication. (Click Here and scroll down to learn more.)

The new Director of Activities is Eden Alternative certified, as I am. Understandably, she is focusing on slowly building her program and her team. We have a shared vision but it quickly became clear that it was yet again time for me to reinvent my approach. The administrator and the Director of Nursing agreed that I could work with them to begin a small pilot program on one of the smaller units of the nursing home, this time explicitly fostering Person-centered Care. Stay tuned as we unroll yet another phase in this story of reinvention.

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"Normal" - A Caregiver's Obstacle?

She and her mother had always (or never) been friends. Her family mostly (or rarely) got along with each other. Her love life wasn’t what she had hoped it would be (or was really quite all right.) Her marriage (or singledom) suited her (or didn’t.)

Then her mother became older. She slowed down and everyone said “That’s normal.” But then the daughter noticed that her mother seemed emotionally down most of the time, was not her normal self, and everyone said, “That’s not like her! Something must be wrong. Better give her meds.” The meds made her clumsy and eventually she fell down, and landed in rehab. Everyone said, “Give her time. She will be back to normal in no time.” 

So they gave it a little time. Mother went a little crazy in the rehab. It could have been the pain meds she was on, or it could have been the urinary tract infections that weren’t under control, or, as the doctor told the daughter, “You might want to just accept that this could be normal aging.” 

Through it all the daughter went ahead with life in the normal way—going to work, doing the laundry, to bed by 11:00—but then she would lie in bed and  (wisely) wonder, “What’s really happening?”

Her mother healed but was never the same. She now walked with a walker... but she still drove! She still drove! This is the new normal. And so it went. Over a period of months (or years,) one incident after another, each one changing the new normal. A stroke, and her mother was no longer beautiful. She didn’t socialize as she used to. She stopped doing the things she had loved. She fell again, and this time was relegated to a wheelchair. 

With each change, the daughter tried to adapt, telling herself, “This is the new normal.” She worked hard to keep her mother laughing and to keep the rest of herself running as normally as possible.

When her mother died, the daughter was stricken (or elated.) She couldn’t quite function as normal. People said, “You’re grieving. That’s normal.” But when a month had passed, two months, people began to say, “It’s time to bounce back. Maybe she needs meds. She needs to get back to her normal life.” 

Finally she asked herself the real question, “What IS normality anyway? What’s lost by spending so much energy trying to pretend that life is normal? Always measuring life against the benchmark of "normal"? What if I met life on its own terms, asking instead, “How could I do this in a new way?” "How could I learn from this?" She began telling the truth, savoring every moment for what it was, and learning from what it was not.

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A RECIPE FOR HOLIDAY PEACE (Part Two)

“I don't know the key to success

but the key to failure is

 trying to please everybody.”

~ Bill Cosby

In Part One we talked about how to think in new ways about the holidays so that the festivities you design really can be more peaceful. Here, in Part Two, we'll talk about ways to manage the people, your family and guests, to maximize the chances of creating that greater peace.

When a family member is ailing it effects the whole family, and functional families are rare. So, take a typical quirky family at the holidays, add a heavy dose of varied expectations (theirs and yours), toss in a collection of new time constraints, season liberally with a range of strong emotions and... can you smell the trouble brewing? (*See note at bottom about dealing with difficult families.)

How do you maximize the odds of having an intimate, even joyful holiday given all of that?  Notice, I’m not talking about simply asking for help. We’re shooting for something better; an inclusive conversation that builds family intimacy while relieving you of stress. Clear communication will lessen your feeling responsible for the happiness of the whole clan. But to communicate simply you need a simpler way to think about those involved. 

If you haven’t yet gotten out a piece of paper, now would be a good time. Imagine that your impending holiday looks like the cross-section of an onion, and the people who might participate in it are arranged on the layers. You and your loved one are at the center, and the others are at varying distances from the center. The one’s closest to the center are the ones you most trust, with whom you have the best communication. Now draw your onion. We’ll refer back to it.

Clearing Away Obstacles

“Few things can make us feel crazier

than expecting something from someone

who has nothing to give.”

~Melody Beattie

You may think that you know perfectly well how to talk to family, but this is no ordinary conversation. It needs to fulfill on that vision of joy and peace. Most of us enter such a conversation with a set of invisible assumptions that could be stumbling blocks for our new holiday possibilities. Which of these ring true for you?:

• Everyone knows what I’m dealing with! But do they really? Others don’t necessarily think like you, even within your own family. Some have different needs for self-protection or varying abilities to listen, cope emotionally, or be forthcoming. Also, if you’re the average caregiver you may not speak to family about what it feels like to you. How much do you regularly share? How would they know what you’re facing this holiday?

• They want the same things as I do this holiday. How do you know? Would you be surprised to learn that a family member has a different slant than yours on holiday necessities? Have you asked them?

• They expect me to do it all. Well, maybe, but only if you’ve always done it all without question in the past. Whatever their past expectations, some might be very happy to rethink things this holiday.

• Surely they can participate in Some way. This is where a dose of compassion may stand you in good stead. Even though they are family, they may be dealing with things you know nothing about. Why would that be? They may not want to burden you, or they may by nature be more private.  So be willing to accept No as an answer. If they can’t say No, they can’t really say Yes, so say “I love you”, let it go, and move on. 

While doing this, you may think of still other expectations that you have lurking about. If so, add them to the list. 

The Ingredients of Successful Communication

You might as well fall flat on your face

as lean over too far backward.

~ James Thurber

Communication experts will tell you that you can set up a conversation for the greatest success. Do you know the ingredients of a successful inclusive conversation that can foster family feeling?

Your state of heart and the words you use determine your success. How you ask will determine how you are heard. Looking at your holiday onion, you might ask yourself:

• What’s the best way to communicate with family and friends?  

• Am I making demands, making a request, or extending an invitation?

• What do I say? What exact words will have them hear me and also open them up to participating with me?

• What should I ask for, and how much? 

Looking at your “inner circles”, notice that these are the people with whom you feel at ease, who you trust, with whom you feel connected. Build your holiday thoughts and plans on this feel-good community. Whether they are family or friends, share with them your hopes for a happy holiday. By focusing on these people, you are already simplifying—your emotions around them are simpler, more restful. As you share with them, include them in the brainstorming about what could work.    

Worry less about the people further out on your relationship onion. Drop any expectations about what they would think, or how they should participate. If you want to feel good this holiday, focus on the people with whom you feel good. Simplify your feelings, thoughts, and expectations and you have laid the groundwork for a holiday of greater joy and peace.

You are the caregiver. Your physical and emotional health aren’t just important, they’re a necessity. Your health is inextricably entwined with your peace, so you owe it to yourself and your loved one to put in place the necessary ingredients for joy and peace this holiday. This may not end up being perfect but you don’t have to do it all. You can pave the way for a simpler, more joyful and participative holiday this year.

Holidays celebrated as a family caregiver are different. People are different too. Do what you can. Let that be enough. Make a little more time to decompress. Focus on relationships more than the trappings of the holidays. Ask others for partnership to help everyone get through the holidays a little happier, a little more peaceful, a little more grateful for all that you do have. And remember...

 "The past is history, the future is a mystery.

But today is a gift...that's why they call it the present.

So cherish every minute of it."

~ Elvis Stojko

*A NOTE ON DIFFICULT FAMILIES

If you have a very compassionate and giving family then you can more easily have the “How can we create this holiday together” conversation. But what if some of your family is more average, that is to say, somewhat difficult? Difficult people will likely be difficult regardless of what you say or do. As hard as it may be to imagine, they may be doing the best that they can. The stresses of the holidays push everyone to their emotional limit. Have compassion for them, while setting boundaries for you and your loved one. You can’t make other people happy or change them. You can only tend to your own state of mind and heart. 

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HOW TO DESIGN A PEACEFUL HOLIDAY (Part One)

“Insanity means doing the 

same thing, over and over,

and expecting different results”

~ Unknown

How much is enough? How many gifts? How many guests? How many items on your to-do list? The holidays are a time of abundance, so rarely do we think of “enough” except when we wonder Do I have enough time?  or Do I have enough money? Some would say that it takes guts to manage the holidays in the best of times. Ernest Hemingway defined guts as “grace under pressure”. But surely for you, the caregiver, there is a better way. What if you were to do the holidays differently this year? 

Perhaps you’re already thinking you’ll plan sensibly to organize festivities in a simpler way, but will that be adequate? Let’s take a deeper look at how you can have more of what you most need and want from this holiday season. For starters, you can’t get what you want unless you clearly know what you want, and also know how to get it.  Instead of going down that familiar road of Christmas Past, let’s explore ways to diminish the pressure and increase the peace. You, your loved one, and your family may find yourselves all having a more joyful and meaningful holiday.

Making Magic

As a caregiver it’s normal to assume that the success of the holidays lies squarely on your shoulders. After all, you’re pretty much able to manage the rest of the year. Why not now? Because Everything is more at this time of year, on the emotional plane as well, and most especially when you are the caregiver. As the emotional weight increases, so does the yearning for life as it once was. The holidays are a time of dreaming, sprinkled with the magic of yesterday. Even if you were capable of recreating what once was, if you allow expectations to creep in, you could be setting yourself up for exhaustion and disappointment. What can you do and what may be too much? 

First let’s look at some common caregiver expectations, and then at alternatives that may give you a better holiday. Don’t give up on the magic—you can make a new kind of magic, even with the present circumstances. 

The Holiday Essentials

 “Once in a while you have to

 take a break and visit yourself. “

~ Audrey Giorgi

Each of us has aspects of the holidays that are dear to our hearts. When you think of them, you smile. Just the thought gives you energy. What are yours? When you can identify what is most important to you, you can let go of the aspects that are draining. In the reclaimed space you might even connect more with yourself, generating peace in your heart that can source the whole holiday. Consider each of the following questions, looking for the answers that are absolutely true for you. Open your mind. Step back from your assumptions, looking for choices that you may not have considered. Writing down your thoughts will let you be more objective.

Preparations: What holiday preparations are truly necessary to you and which are essential to your loved one? Which ones give you or your loved one energy? What other aspects seem in some way important but actually drain you? Which ones might you dispense with or delegate to others?  

Guests: Who clearly needs to be present to bring the holiday alive? Who is most important to you, and who is important to your loved one? Could you manage to tell “certain others” that you’re scaling down, doing a simpler holiday this year? Of those that must come, who could stay nearby at a motel instead of with you? 

Food:  Which aspects of food preparation are a true joy to you or your loved one? Would it be okay with you if family brought some or all of the meal? Or could the meal even be ordered from a nearby restaurant? “Sacriledge!” I hear you say, but think about it!

Gifts: Would the family consider giving only one small gift per person or doing a yankee swap? Could you give simpler gifts— the singing of a song, reading a poem, or giving a special photograph, beautifully framed? Could you focus more on the gift of being together and less on the giving of things?

Partnering with Others

What would be possible if you asked others to partner with you in new ways this year? Including more family in preparations can increase holiday warmth. If you have friends who feel like family, talk to them too. We can’t always choose our family, but we can choose our friends. They might be touched to be honorary family in the simplification of your holidays, even those who may not be joining you. 

Family: Individually or at a family meeting, could you invite others to be on a holiday team, each picking one thing from your to-do list that would ease your load? Could a nearby family member offer respite care to give you time off from caregiving?

Friends: If you have friends who have been saying “How can I help?” is there a small service that they could do to give you some relief or make you feel less alone? By accepting help you gift others with the opportunity to give.

Professionals: Could you hire someone to do the housecleaning? Might you find respite care through a local senior center or assisted living facility to free you up from caregiving for a couple of days?

Some family members may think they know what would be helpful but need a little re-educating. They won't know what help looks like to You unless you tell them, so clarity and honesty can also help in getting you the help that you want and need.

Paring Down Commitments

"Besides the noble act of getting things done,

 there is the noble art of leaving things undone.

The wisdom of life consists in the elimination of non-essentials.”

 ~ Lin Yutang

What might be possible if, just for this pre-holiday, you pare down your commitments? People will understand if you have limited energy and resources this year. Give yourself a “time-out”.

Non-family: What are your on-going commitments to friends or organizations? Which commitments to friends may not be necessary between now and the holidays? Could you let organizations know that you won’t be available for the next few weeks? From which obligations might you like to permanently DE-commit? Does your workplace give special support to family caregivers during the holidays? It doesn’t hurt to ask. 

Family: What services or favors do you regularly do for other family members (including kids) that they could do for themselves? Could others take on the tasks that keep the household running?

If possible, include your loved one in these explorations. Let him/her be a part of the thinking, planning, and doing—participation is empowering for everyone. So now that you’re a little clearer about what’s necessary for a joyful holiday, how do you communicate with the rest of the family? 

READ PART TWO to learn ways to manage the people, your family and guests, to maximize the chances of creating that greater peace.

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The Set-Up for a Happy Holiday

“I don't know the key to success,

but the key to failure is

 trying to please everybody.”

~ Bill Cosby

If I were to name one key factor that will place your coming holidays on the continuum from pleasure to pain, it would be expectations. We all have them, whether they arise from memories of the last year or two, or from memories of childhood. In ordinary times most of us are unaware of how these little devils can undermine our happiness. So now, especially if you're a family caregiver, let's take a peek at how shifting your expectations may offer you more leeway this holiday, optimizing your opportunity for a joyful and peaceful holiday. 

Expectations of The Holidays
What are your expectations of this 2012 holiday season? On what past experience are they based? How could you set yourself up this time around to have a simpler, happier celebration? The holidays when you’re caregiving are different, yet many of us bend over backwards to try to make them the same as they were. At no other time are we so dedicated to pretending that nothing has changed. But take a minute to think about what is really important for this holiday time. Preserve the simpler family traditions, but consider tossing out your more extreme expectations of the holidays, family members, and yourself. Stay in the present moment. Generate new, creative, simpler family traditions. Focus on gratitude for what you have now.

Expectations of Others 
People are different too. Everyone is effected by caregiving. Those who are difficult may be more so. Those who are helpful may need some guidance in exactly what that means this time around. The demands of the holidays compound the regular stresses of caregiving to push family members to their emotional limit. If they need to act out, let them be. As hard as it may be to imagine, they may be doing the best that they can. Have compassion while asserting your own boundaries. You can’t make other people happy, or make them act the way you would want. You can only tend to your own state of mind and heart. Do what you can. Communicate clearly. Let that be enough.

 Expectations of Yourself
As your own stresses mount, consider lowering the bar on your expectations of yourself. Step back from any regular commitments that aren't essential right now. You can always get back to them in January. Make a little more time to decompress. Focus on your relationships more than the trappings of the holidays. Ask for a little more help from others. Holidays that are co-created have a more congenial feeling. If you find yourself stressing over how to ensure everyone's enjoyment remember, the happiness and holiday spirit of everyone else are not your sole responsibility. If you can, tell your family how you're feeling about the holiday planning this year, and then ask for their partnership to help everyone get through the holidays a little happier, a little more peaceful, a little more grateful for all that you do have.

Next week I'll begin a 2-part article that will look more closely at how you can reinvent your holiday this year. Until then, look for ways to simplify your thinking and your plan for your family holiday.
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SABOTAGED BY EXPECTATIONS

Undefined expectations are an insidious force that undermines a caregiver’s energy and clouds her vision. Expectations are such a part of us that they often are invisible, yet daily they pull our strings, masquerading as standards, concerns, and common sense. We are steeped in our expectations of other people, of ourselves, of our community, and even of life, but scratch a bit deeper and you’ll see the mischief these expectations make.

Expectations are tricky to see because they are part of our survival system. We Need to believe in our ability to know what to expect because that tells us how best to respond. In the past this belief was the bedrock of our confidence, but during caregiving that bedrock is built on sand. Our expectations become our invisible achilles heel—they are so close that trying to see them is like trying to see the back of your head. As Pogo says, 

The New Normal

Our first faulty expectation is that caregiving is an extension of normal life so therefore our habitual success strategies will serve us. The contrary is true —it is perfectly normal for people, circumstances, and organizations in caregiving to act in unexpected ways. Caregiving is not life as usual. In fact it can feel more like a fun house in which people we know change before our eyes, frightening occurrences fly at us out of no-where, and the floor of our reality moves without warning. This is the new normal.

Question Your Expectations

To better understand this, let’s look at a common caregiver Issue, siblings.

“When my sister doesn’t come through for Mom it feels outrageous.” 

Each expectation lives within the realm of a commitment. If I am committed to having the caregiving participation of my siblings then I mindlessly leap to forming expectations of their behavior. Unfortunately I may make false assumptions about their life and how well they are coping. There may be things I don’t know. False assumptions give rise to faulty expectations, which in turn give rise to troublesome Issues. If you find your expectations escalating a circumstance to the level of an Issue, question your expectations. But how is that possible if you can’t easily see them? 

Start with the Issues

We can back our way into the discovery of our expectations by looking first at the thing that is most “in our face”, the main Issues with which we’re wrestling. To reveal your caregiving expectations, start by listing your caregiving Issues. 

“My sister forgot to visit Mom!” 

Then look beneath each issue for your expectations and root assumptions. 

“Her life isn’t that complicated, she’s a competent person, 

and she’s as committed to Mom as I am.”

Then ask yourself,

  Given who I know her to be, am I being realistic? 

What do I not know? 

Are these expectations useful? 

Is this a life or death Issue? 

Is there something that I’m not aware of not knowing?

Prioritize Your Commitments

The real gold comes in identifying your primary commitments. In this case I might state my commitment as: 

"I am committed to having family support as much as possible."

Once you are in touch with your primary commitments you can see the how best to fulfill on them. Build a commitment list and you can prioritize them. Then you can use the list as a barometer for measuring the importance of Issues when they do arise. You can apportion the amount of energy you give to each based on its priority. Your commitment list might include the health of your elder, the well-being of your family, or your own sanity. Bottom line stuff. 

With your priorities in mind, you can easily rate any impending issue on a scale with “Critical” at one end, and “No Big Deal” at the other. Ask yourself,

How much energy does this issue deserve in the greater caregiving scheme of things? 
And don’t forget to ask yourself, 

Is this issue appropriately mine to handle? 

It's so easy to take over other people’s business without thinking twice.

Now that you’re no longer sabotaged by your expectations you can change them, or re-order your priorities whenever necessary. When a legitimately critical issue shows up, you’ll be prepared to take your stand. 

Finish each day and be done with it. 

You have done what you could. 

Tomorrow is a new day; 

begin it well and serenely and 

with too high a spirit 

to be encumbered with your old nonsense.

—Ralph Waldo Emerson

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Shifting Your Holiday Expectations (as published in "The Caregiver's Reader")

Shift Your Expectations of The Holidays
The holidays when caregiving are different, yet we bend over backwards to make them the same as they always were. At no other time are we so dedicated to pretending that nothing has changed. Preserve the simpler family traditions, but consider tossing out your more extreme expectations of the holidays, family members, and yourself. Stay in the present moment. Generate new, creative, simpler family traditions. Focus on gratitude for what you now have.

Shift Your Expectations of Others 
People are different too. The demands of the holidays compound the regular stresses of caregiving to push family members to their emotional limit. If they need to act out, if possible, let them be. As hard as it may be to imagine, they may be doing the best that they can. Have compassion while asserting your own boundaries. You can’t make other people happy, or make them act the way you would want. You can only tend to your own state of mind and heart. Do what you can. Let that be enough.

Shift Your Expectations of Yourself
As your own stresses mount, lower the bar on your expectations of yourself. Make a little more time to decompress. Focus on your relationships more than the trappings of the holidays. Ask for a little more help from others. The happiness and holiday spirit of everyone else are not your sole responsibility. Balancing the holiday house of cards on your shoulders is a vulnerable position for everyone. Tell them that, and then ask for their partnership to help everyone get through the holidays a little happier, a little more peaceful, a little more grateful for all that you do have.
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Questions for Caregivers

The following is an excerpt from my provocative interview with Byron Woodman of the wonderful website, QuestionsForLiving.com. 

So... if the quality of life depended on the quality of the questions we ask, what might that mean for caregiving?

The voyage of discovery lies not in finding new landscapes but in having new eyes.

—Marcel Proust

Whiteside: I began to see “life through new eyes” at age 33 when I took the Landmark Forum. That transformational training and subsequent workshops taught me, among other things, the power of a question, taking me into a vital new career, through ten years of challenging yet successful caregiving, into my current work as a caregiver’s coach and Elder advocate, and now into yet another reinvention of my life purpose. Chapter Three of my book, “The Caregiver’s Compass” begins by applying the power of questioning to surviving and thriving on the journey of family caregiving.

QFL: -  What questions did you ask yourself as a caregiver? -

Whiteside: The questions that drove my caregiving decade of survival and personal growth evolved from, 

To what am I committed? and How can I give without giving myself away? 

to 

What is the source of my energy and peace? and then

What would be available to me if I opened my heart to my mother? 

Those four little questions, as you can see, cover a lot of terrain. They were answered by applying to myself the life coaching principles that I had been learning and teaching others over the previous decade. And, yes, by the end of my decade with Mom we had forged a loving relationship.

QFL: - What questions do you ask caregivers that mindful caregivers can ask themselves -

Whiteside: 
In this one-and-only moment, what are my choices, inner and outer?

Since all we have is the present moment, the choices we make Now cause everything that follows. Everything hangs on that momentary question and its subsequent choice.

What “stories” do I tell myself about caregiving that make it harder?

Our inner stories give us our emotional experience of life, so we’d better make up good ones. Life-serving ones.

What are my strengths and survival habits?

A kneejerk positive attitude can blind you to the truth. The need to be right can have you miss important learning opportunities. Which survival habits are undermining your effectiveness? Which will help you to succeed?

What am I resisting that I might begin to allow?

Most energy sinks are cause by resisting someone or something. Therefore the more we can accept and allow, the less energy we waste.

When is my helping actually disempowering my Elder/loved one?

Are you trying to fix your loved ones life, or empower her/him? The two frequently work at cross purposes.

What are my expectations?

Expectations will often trip you up. Identify your expectations of caregiving, your family members, and yourself. Some expectations degrade the quality of caregiving. Whenever possible, consider lowering the bar.

QFL: - How do we go about being happier and continually learning? -

Whiteside: 
Mind your own business.

Don't try to change others.

Focus more on who you are being, and less on what you are doing.

Focus more on what the inner world of others looks like, and less on trying to convince them that your way is right.

If you keep getting disappointed, lower your expectations.

Be authentic.

Release control in favor of movement and resilience.

Notice resistance in your body, identify what you’re resisting, then let it be.

Repeatedly throughout the day step back from what is happening and just notice it without judgment.

Look for multiple ways of interpreting whatever is happening.

If life is just a series of stories we tell ourselves, continually ask, "What story would now best serve me?"

QFL: - How do you frame your coaching questions to help your clients optimize their learning -

Whiteside: I begin by giving the client ...

QFL: - - What questions do you think people should ask themselves to make this world a happier and healthier place to live? -

Whiteside: Byron, I’ve come to the belief that the only way to make the world happier and healthier is...

(see the full text at http://www.questionsforliving.com/categories/health/questions-caregiving)

Holly's Bio on Questions for Living:  http://www.questionsforliving.com/users/mindfulcaregiving

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