"Normal" - A Caregiver's Obstacle?

She and her mother had always (or never) been friends. Her family mostly (or rarely) got along with each other. Her love life wasn’t what she had hoped it would be (or was really quite all right.) Her marriage (or singledom) suited her (or didn’t.)

Then her mother became older. She slowed down and everyone said “That’s normal.” But then the daughter noticed that her mother seemed emotionally down most of the time, was not her normal self, and everyone said, “That’s not like her! Something must be wrong. Better give her meds.” The meds made her clumsy and eventually she fell down, and landed in rehab. Everyone said, “Give her time. She will be back to normal in no time.” 

So they gave it a little time. Mother went a little crazy in the rehab. It could have been the pain meds she was on, or it could have been the urinary tract infections that weren’t under control, or, as the doctor told the daughter, “You might want to just accept that this could be normal aging.” 

Through it all the daughter went ahead with life in the normal way—going to work, doing the laundry, to bed by 11:00—but then she would lie in bed and  (wisely) wonder, “What’s really happening?”

Her mother healed but was never the same. She now walked with a walker... but she still drove! She still drove! This is the new normal. And so it went. Over a period of months (or years,) one incident after another, each one changing the new normal. A stroke, and her mother was no longer beautiful. She didn’t socialize as she used to. She stopped doing the things she had loved. She fell again, and this time was relegated to a wheelchair. 

With each change, the daughter tried to adapt, telling herself, “This is the new normal.” She worked hard to keep her mother laughing and to keep the rest of herself running as normally as possible.

When her mother died, the daughter was stricken (or elated.) She couldn’t quite function as normal. People said, “You’re grieving. That’s normal.” But when a month had passed, two months, people began to say, “It’s time to bounce back. Maybe she needs meds. She needs to get back to her normal life.” 

Finally she asked herself the real question, “What IS normality anyway? What’s lost by spending so much energy trying to pretend that life is normal? Always measuring life against the benchmark of "normal"? What if I met life on its own terms, asking instead, “How could I do this in a new way?” "How could I learn from this?" She began telling the truth, savoring every moment for what it was, and learning from what it was not.

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A RECIPE FOR HOLIDAY PEACE (Part Two)

“I don't know the key to success

but the key to failure is

 trying to please everybody.”

~ Bill Cosby

In Part One we talked about how to think in new ways about the holidays so that the festivities you design really can be more peaceful. Here, in Part Two, we'll talk about ways to manage the people, your family and guests, to maximize the chances of creating that greater peace.

When a family member is ailing it effects the whole family, and functional families are rare. So, take a typical quirky family at the holidays, add a heavy dose of varied expectations (theirs and yours), toss in a collection of new time constraints, season liberally with a range of strong emotions and... can you smell the trouble brewing? (*See note at bottom about dealing with difficult families.)

How do you maximize the odds of having an intimate, even joyful holiday given all of that?  Notice, I’m not talking about simply asking for help. We’re shooting for something better; an inclusive conversation that builds family intimacy while relieving you of stress. Clear communication will lessen your feeling responsible for the happiness of the whole clan. But to communicate simply you need a simpler way to think about those involved. 

If you haven’t yet gotten out a piece of paper, now would be a good time. Imagine that your impending holiday looks like the cross-section of an onion, and the people who might participate in it are arranged on the layers. You and your loved one are at the center, and the others are at varying distances from the center. The one’s closest to the center are the ones you most trust, with whom you have the best communication. Now draw your onion. We’ll refer back to it.

Clearing Away Obstacles

“Few things can make us feel crazier

than expecting something from someone

who has nothing to give.”

~Melody Beattie

You may think that you know perfectly well how to talk to family, but this is no ordinary conversation. It needs to fulfill on that vision of joy and peace. Most of us enter such a conversation with a set of invisible assumptions that could be stumbling blocks for our new holiday possibilities. Which of these ring true for you?:

• Everyone knows what I’m dealing with! But do they really? Others don’t necessarily think like you, even within your own family. Some have different needs for self-protection or varying abilities to listen, cope emotionally, or be forthcoming. Also, if you’re the average caregiver you may not speak to family about what it feels like to you. How much do you regularly share? How would they know what you’re facing this holiday?

• They want the same things as I do this holiday. How do you know? Would you be surprised to learn that a family member has a different slant than yours on holiday necessities? Have you asked them?

• They expect me to do it all. Well, maybe, but only if you’ve always done it all without question in the past. Whatever their past expectations, some might be very happy to rethink things this holiday.

• Surely they can participate in Some way. This is where a dose of compassion may stand you in good stead. Even though they are family, they may be dealing with things you know nothing about. Why would that be? They may not want to burden you, or they may by nature be more private.  So be willing to accept No as an answer. If they can’t say No, they can’t really say Yes, so say “I love you”, let it go, and move on. 

While doing this, you may think of still other expectations that you have lurking about. If so, add them to the list. 

The Ingredients of Successful Communication

You might as well fall flat on your face

as lean over too far backward.

~ James Thurber

Communication experts will tell you that you can set up a conversation for the greatest success. Do you know the ingredients of a successful inclusive conversation that can foster family feeling?

Your state of heart and the words you use determine your success. How you ask will determine how you are heard. Looking at your holiday onion, you might ask yourself:

• What’s the best way to communicate with family and friends?  

• Am I making demands, making a request, or extending an invitation?

• What do I say? What exact words will have them hear me and also open them up to participating with me?

• What should I ask for, and how much? 

Looking at your “inner circles”, notice that these are the people with whom you feel at ease, who you trust, with whom you feel connected. Build your holiday thoughts and plans on this feel-good community. Whether they are family or friends, share with them your hopes for a happy holiday. By focusing on these people, you are already simplifying—your emotions around them are simpler, more restful. As you share with them, include them in the brainstorming about what could work.    

Worry less about the people further out on your relationship onion. Drop any expectations about what they would think, or how they should participate. If you want to feel good this holiday, focus on the people with whom you feel good. Simplify your feelings, thoughts, and expectations and you have laid the groundwork for a holiday of greater joy and peace.

You are the caregiver. Your physical and emotional health aren’t just important, they’re a necessity. Your health is inextricably entwined with your peace, so you owe it to yourself and your loved one to put in place the necessary ingredients for joy and peace this holiday. This may not end up being perfect but you don’t have to do it all. You can pave the way for a simpler, more joyful and participative holiday this year.

Holidays celebrated as a family caregiver are different. People are different too. Do what you can. Let that be enough. Make a little more time to decompress. Focus on relationships more than the trappings of the holidays. Ask others for partnership to help everyone get through the holidays a little happier, a little more peaceful, a little more grateful for all that you do have. And remember...

 "The past is history, the future is a mystery.

But today is a gift...that's why they call it the present.

So cherish every minute of it."

~ Elvis Stojko

*A NOTE ON DIFFICULT FAMILIES

If you have a very compassionate and giving family then you can more easily have the “How can we create this holiday together” conversation. But what if some of your family is more average, that is to say, somewhat difficult? Difficult people will likely be difficult regardless of what you say or do. As hard as it may be to imagine, they may be doing the best that they can. The stresses of the holidays push everyone to their emotional limit. Have compassion for them, while setting boundaries for you and your loved one. You can’t make other people happy or change them. You can only tend to your own state of mind and heart. 

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HOW TO DESIGN A PEACEFUL HOLIDAY (Part One)

“Insanity means doing the 

same thing, over and over,

and expecting different results”

~ Unknown

How much is enough? How many gifts? How many guests? How many items on your to-do list? The holidays are a time of abundance, so rarely do we think of “enough” except when we wonder Do I have enough time?  or Do I have enough money? Some would say that it takes guts to manage the holidays in the best of times. Ernest Hemingway defined guts as “grace under pressure”. But surely for you, the caregiver, there is a better way. What if you were to do the holidays differently this year? 

Perhaps you’re already thinking you’ll plan sensibly to organize festivities in a simpler way, but will that be adequate? Let’s take a deeper look at how you can have more of what you most need and want from this holiday season. For starters, you can’t get what you want unless you clearly know what you want, and also know how to get it.  Instead of going down that familiar road of Christmas Past, let’s explore ways to diminish the pressure and increase the peace. You, your loved one, and your family may find yourselves all having a more joyful and meaningful holiday.

Making Magic

As a caregiver it’s normal to assume that the success of the holidays lies squarely on your shoulders. After all, you’re pretty much able to manage the rest of the year. Why not now? Because Everything is more at this time of year, on the emotional plane as well, and most especially when you are the caregiver. As the emotional weight increases, so does the yearning for life as it once was. The holidays are a time of dreaming, sprinkled with the magic of yesterday. Even if you were capable of recreating what once was, if you allow expectations to creep in, you could be setting yourself up for exhaustion and disappointment. What can you do and what may be too much? 

First let’s look at some common caregiver expectations, and then at alternatives that may give you a better holiday. Don’t give up on the magic—you can make a new kind of magic, even with the present circumstances. 

The Holiday Essentials

 “Once in a while you have to

 take a break and visit yourself. “

~ Audrey Giorgi

Each of us has aspects of the holidays that are dear to our hearts. When you think of them, you smile. Just the thought gives you energy. What are yours? When you can identify what is most important to you, you can let go of the aspects that are draining. In the reclaimed space you might even connect more with yourself, generating peace in your heart that can source the whole holiday. Consider each of the following questions, looking for the answers that are absolutely true for you. Open your mind. Step back from your assumptions, looking for choices that you may not have considered. Writing down your thoughts will let you be more objective.

Preparations: What holiday preparations are truly necessary to you and which are essential to your loved one? Which ones give you or your loved one energy? What other aspects seem in some way important but actually drain you? Which ones might you dispense with or delegate to others?  

Guests: Who clearly needs to be present to bring the holiday alive? Who is most important to you, and who is important to your loved one? Could you manage to tell “certain others” that you’re scaling down, doing a simpler holiday this year? Of those that must come, who could stay nearby at a motel instead of with you? 

Food:  Which aspects of food preparation are a true joy to you or your loved one? Would it be okay with you if family brought some or all of the meal? Or could the meal even be ordered from a nearby restaurant? “Sacriledge!” I hear you say, but think about it!

Gifts: Would the family consider giving only one small gift per person or doing a yankee swap? Could you give simpler gifts— the singing of a song, reading a poem, or giving a special photograph, beautifully framed? Could you focus more on the gift of being together and less on the giving of things?

Partnering with Others

What would be possible if you asked others to partner with you in new ways this year? Including more family in preparations can increase holiday warmth. If you have friends who feel like family, talk to them too. We can’t always choose our family, but we can choose our friends. They might be touched to be honorary family in the simplification of your holidays, even those who may not be joining you. 

Family: Individually or at a family meeting, could you invite others to be on a holiday team, each picking one thing from your to-do list that would ease your load? Could a nearby family member offer respite care to give you time off from caregiving?

Friends: If you have friends who have been saying “How can I help?” is there a small service that they could do to give you some relief or make you feel less alone? By accepting help you gift others with the opportunity to give.

Professionals: Could you hire someone to do the housecleaning? Might you find respite care through a local senior center or assisted living facility to free you up from caregiving for a couple of days?

Some family members may think they know what would be helpful but need a little re-educating. They won't know what help looks like to You unless you tell them, so clarity and honesty can also help in getting you the help that you want and need.

Paring Down Commitments

"Besides the noble act of getting things done,

 there is the noble art of leaving things undone.

The wisdom of life consists in the elimination of non-essentials.”

 ~ Lin Yutang

What might be possible if, just for this pre-holiday, you pare down your commitments? People will understand if you have limited energy and resources this year. Give yourself a “time-out”.

Non-family: What are your on-going commitments to friends or organizations? Which commitments to friends may not be necessary between now and the holidays? Could you let organizations know that you won’t be available for the next few weeks? From which obligations might you like to permanently DE-commit? Does your workplace give special support to family caregivers during the holidays? It doesn’t hurt to ask. 

Family: What services or favors do you regularly do for other family members (including kids) that they could do for themselves? Could others take on the tasks that keep the household running?

If possible, include your loved one in these explorations. Let him/her be a part of the thinking, planning, and doing—participation is empowering for everyone. So now that you’re a little clearer about what’s necessary for a joyful holiday, how do you communicate with the rest of the family? 

READ PART TWO to learn ways to manage the people, your family and guests, to maximize the chances of creating that greater peace.

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SABOTAGED BY EXPECTATIONS

Undefined expectations are an insidious force that undermines a caregiver’s energy and clouds her vision. Expectations are such a part of us that they often are invisible, yet daily they pull our strings, masquerading as standards, concerns, and common sense. We are steeped in our expectations of other people, of ourselves, of our community, and even of life, but scratch a bit deeper and you’ll see the mischief these expectations make.

Expectations are tricky to see because they are part of our survival system. We Need to believe in our ability to know what to expect because that tells us how best to respond. In the past this belief was the bedrock of our confidence, but during caregiving that bedrock is built on sand. Our expectations become our invisible achilles heel—they are so close that trying to see them is like trying to see the back of your head. As Pogo says, 

The New Normal

Our first faulty expectation is that caregiving is an extension of normal life so therefore our habitual success strategies will serve us. The contrary is true —it is perfectly normal for people, circumstances, and organizations in caregiving to act in unexpected ways. Caregiving is not life as usual. In fact it can feel more like a fun house in which people we know change before our eyes, frightening occurrences fly at us out of no-where, and the floor of our reality moves without warning. This is the new normal.

Question Your Expectations

To better understand this, let’s look at a common caregiver Issue, siblings.

“When my sister doesn’t come through for Mom it feels outrageous.” 

Each expectation lives within the realm of a commitment. If I am committed to having the caregiving participation of my siblings then I mindlessly leap to forming expectations of their behavior. Unfortunately I may make false assumptions about their life and how well they are coping. There may be things I don’t know. False assumptions give rise to faulty expectations, which in turn give rise to troublesome Issues. If you find your expectations escalating a circumstance to the level of an Issue, question your expectations. But how is that possible if you can’t easily see them? 

Start with the Issues

We can back our way into the discovery of our expectations by looking first at the thing that is most “in our face”, the main Issues with which we’re wrestling. To reveal your caregiving expectations, start by listing your caregiving Issues. 

“My sister forgot to visit Mom!” 

Then look beneath each issue for your expectations and root assumptions. 

“Her life isn’t that complicated, she’s a competent person, 

and she’s as committed to Mom as I am.”

Then ask yourself,

  Given who I know her to be, am I being realistic? 

What do I not know? 

Are these expectations useful? 

Is this a life or death Issue? 

Is there something that I’m not aware of not knowing?

Prioritize Your Commitments

The real gold comes in identifying your primary commitments. In this case I might state my commitment as: 

"I am committed to having family support as much as possible."

Once you are in touch with your primary commitments you can see the how best to fulfill on them. Build a commitment list and you can prioritize them. Then you can use the list as a barometer for measuring the importance of Issues when they do arise. You can apportion the amount of energy you give to each based on its priority. Your commitment list might include the health of your elder, the well-being of your family, or your own sanity. Bottom line stuff. 

With your priorities in mind, you can easily rate any impending issue on a scale with “Critical” at one end, and “No Big Deal” at the other. Ask yourself,

How much energy does this issue deserve in the greater caregiving scheme of things? 
And don’t forget to ask yourself, 

Is this issue appropriately mine to handle? 

It's so easy to take over other people’s business without thinking twice.

Now that you’re no longer sabotaged by your expectations you can change them, or re-order your priorities whenever necessary. When a legitimately critical issue shows up, you’ll be prepared to take your stand. 

Finish each day and be done with it. 

You have done what you could. 

Tomorrow is a new day; 

begin it well and serenely and 

with too high a spirit 

to be encumbered with your old nonsense.

—Ralph Waldo Emerson

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Shifting Your Holiday Expectations (as published in "The Caregiver's Reader")

Shift Your Expectations of The Holidays
The holidays when caregiving are different, yet we bend over backwards to make them the same as they always were. At no other time are we so dedicated to pretending that nothing has changed. Preserve the simpler family traditions, but consider tossing out your more extreme expectations of the holidays, family members, and yourself. Stay in the present moment. Generate new, creative, simpler family traditions. Focus on gratitude for what you now have.

Shift Your Expectations of Others 
People are different too. The demands of the holidays compound the regular stresses of caregiving to push family members to their emotional limit. If they need to act out, if possible, let them be. As hard as it may be to imagine, they may be doing the best that they can. Have compassion while asserting your own boundaries. You can’t make other people happy, or make them act the way you would want. You can only tend to your own state of mind and heart. Do what you can. Let that be enough.

Shift Your Expectations of Yourself
As your own stresses mount, lower the bar on your expectations of yourself. Make a little more time to decompress. Focus on your relationships more than the trappings of the holidays. Ask for a little more help from others. The happiness and holiday spirit of everyone else are not your sole responsibility. Balancing the holiday house of cards on your shoulders is a vulnerable position for everyone. Tell them that, and then ask for their partnership to help everyone get through the holidays a little happier, a little more peaceful, a little more grateful for all that you do have.
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Questions for Caregivers

The following is an excerpt from my provocative interview with Byron Woodman of the wonderful website, QuestionsForLiving.com. 

So... if the quality of life depended on the quality of the questions we ask, what might that mean for caregiving?

The voyage of discovery lies not in finding new landscapes but in having new eyes.

—Marcel Proust

Whiteside: I began to see “life through new eyes” at age 33 when I took the Landmark Forum. That transformational training and subsequent workshops taught me, among other things, the power of a question, taking me into a vital new career, through ten years of challenging yet successful caregiving, into my current work as a caregiver’s coach and Elder advocate, and now into yet another reinvention of my life purpose. Chapter Three of my book, “The Caregiver’s Compass” begins by applying the power of questioning to surviving and thriving on the journey of family caregiving.

QFL: -  What questions did you ask yourself as a caregiver? -

Whiteside: The questions that drove my caregiving decade of survival and personal growth evolved from, 

To what am I committed? and How can I give without giving myself away? 

to 

What is the source of my energy and peace? and then

What would be available to me if I opened my heart to my mother? 

Those four little questions, as you can see, cover a lot of terrain. They were answered by applying to myself the life coaching principles that I had been learning and teaching others over the previous decade. And, yes, by the end of my decade with Mom we had forged a loving relationship.

QFL: - What questions do you ask caregivers that mindful caregivers can ask themselves -

Whiteside: 
In this one-and-only moment, what are my choices, inner and outer?

Since all we have is the present moment, the choices we make Now cause everything that follows. Everything hangs on that momentary question and its subsequent choice.

What “stories” do I tell myself about caregiving that make it harder?

Our inner stories give us our emotional experience of life, so we’d better make up good ones. Life-serving ones.

What are my strengths and survival habits?

A kneejerk positive attitude can blind you to the truth. The need to be right can have you miss important learning opportunities. Which survival habits are undermining your effectiveness? Which will help you to succeed?

What am I resisting that I might begin to allow?

Most energy sinks are cause by resisting someone or something. Therefore the more we can accept and allow, the less energy we waste.

When is my helping actually disempowering my Elder/loved one?

Are you trying to fix your loved ones life, or empower her/him? The two frequently work at cross purposes.

What are my expectations?

Expectations will often trip you up. Identify your expectations of caregiving, your family members, and yourself. Some expectations degrade the quality of caregiving. Whenever possible, consider lowering the bar.

QFL: - How do we go about being happier and continually learning? -

Whiteside: 
Mind your own business.

Don't try to change others.

Focus more on who you are being, and less on what you are doing.

Focus more on what the inner world of others looks like, and less on trying to convince them that your way is right.

If you keep getting disappointed, lower your expectations.

Be authentic.

Release control in favor of movement and resilience.

Notice resistance in your body, identify what you’re resisting, then let it be.

Repeatedly throughout the day step back from what is happening and just notice it without judgment.

Look for multiple ways of interpreting whatever is happening.

If life is just a series of stories we tell ourselves, continually ask, "What story would now best serve me?"

QFL: - How do you frame your coaching questions to help your clients optimize their learning -

Whiteside: I begin by giving the client ...

QFL: - - What questions do you think people should ask themselves to make this world a happier and healthier place to live? -

Whiteside: Byron, I’ve come to the belief that the only way to make the world happier and healthier is...

(see the full text at http://www.questionsforliving.com/categories/health/questions-caregiving)

Holly's Bio on Questions for Living:  http://www.questionsforliving.com/users/mindfulcaregiving

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A Wake-up Call From Which We Heal

We've been issued a wake-up call for mid-lifers (Boomers), caregivers, and humanity. In many of his writings, Dr. Bill Thomas wakes us from denial about aging, shakes up the way we think about elderhood, and reshapes it as a beautiful thing. I’ve just read his latest searching and rattling article, and would like to offer a few reflections on the parts that made me sit up straight. They left me with more questions than answers, and that is good—in the questions is exactly where we need to be. You can read Dr. Bill's article in full in the AARP Journal, (linked below) but here is where it took me. Dr Bill says,

“The postwar generation’s dim but growing awareness of aging is beginning to generate intensely private concerns that people are reluctant to discuss openly.”

So, we as a generation (and culture), have mounting intensely personal concerns about aging that we keep bottled within us? Yup, that rings true, but join me in thinking a little deeper. A challenge of this proportion to our collective sense of reality can only continue for just so long before something gives. How long before we’re all turning to meds to appear functional? Oh, right, that’s already happening. But what are the implications of this cultural blindness for the quality of Boomer caregiving? How can we do caregiving well when we not only don’t understand it, we resist the very fact of it? Fortunately, Dr. Bill points us to a more forgiving way of seeing.

“We can learn to read the story of our lives as it has been written around our eyes and mouth and across our foreheads and cheeks. We can begin to reinterpret the changes as signs of important signifiers or our unique journey through life.”

So, our ultimate "pill for inner peace" isn't to be found externally, in products and services, pills and liposuction. This is good news (and much less expensive)—there is a broader context within which we can begin to make sense of our lives as a whole. We can achieve a new way of holding our lives that brings us to a kinder and gentler place. Dr. Bill elaborates:

“The path to personal happiness and fulfillment I am offering to you has just two steps:

1. Stop pining for what is already gone.
2. Start searching for the person you are meant to become.”

Ah, now we’re getting somewhere. This quest for the person I am meant to become is a mission I can get my heart around, is big enough to call on all of my life’s learning. This is, really, my new purpose for this stage of life. I’m 58, post caregiving, post 9-5 corporate treadmill, and I’m smart enough to refuse to settle for anything small for the second half of my life. Nope, I won’t settle!—I will fulfill. How profoundly exciting! He’s speaking directly to me when he says,

“Elderhood contains a revolutionary and liberating developmental potential. Persistently and deliberately misinterpreted as mere decline, elderhood is actually the rich reward that goes to those who manage to outgrow the frenzied jangle of adulthood and enter voluntarily into a new and much more soulful way of being.”

Over the last five years since my mother died I have been experiencing this shift to a “more soulful way of being”. It feels so right. But what are the implications for society if we do heal what is broken in our relationship to life before it is too late? I’ll leave it to you to read that provocative part of Dr. Bill's article.

For now, I am brought back to what this means for caregivers. As we embrace our own aging, can we stop resisting the aging of our Elders, and how would that feel? As our individual hearts open to a life-serving way of being, might we, as a culture, be empowered to heal our relationships with our Elders? Can we embrace their aging and ours? Could we all heal simply by each of us asking, "Who am I meant to become?" What do you think?
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Stuck in Caregiving, Part One - In a Stuck Relationship

How do you get movement in stuck relationships, when you're stuck in spirit, when you're stuck in limiting beliefs, or when you're simply stuck in fear.
What are the things that make us caregivers feel weighted down, or out of oomph? Feeling greater freedom and ability to cope with caregiving requires staying in motion emotionally and spiritually, moving forward so that you can rise to the occasion of each day. If, as chiropractors tell us, life is movement and movement is life, isn’t that even more true during caregiving? With all of the complexities of caregiving, and all that you have at stake, the last thing you need is to feel stuck. So how do we get stuck, and how can we free ourselves?

Part One - ARE YOU STUCK IN A RELATIONSHIP?

I’m not talking about being in a relationship you’d rather be out of. I mean are you stuck in a committed relationship that isn’t growing, so you don’t feel alive in it? You might be in a stuck place with the person you’re caring for, or a friend, or loved one. Being stuck in any relationship is going to effect your caregiving experience. How does it feel to you to be stuck? Like a tight space with no air to breathe? Like your energy is being sucked right out of you? What makes that happen?

Whatever our opinion of others, their choices and their actions, we may be wasting precious energy resisting who they simply Are. Judging others, trying to fix others, resenting others for not being who we would like them to be is a sure way to kill the life of in ourselves, let along the relationship. I remember feeling a rush of freedom when I learned that my mother had been who she was before I was even born! Maybe it wasn’t up to me to change who she was! How would it feel to not be phased by an other’s personality traits, or the choices they make in their lives? Stop for a minute to imagine that. Imagine yourself free of that concern or focus. We may get from being worked up over others, but does it outweigh the release and freedom if we were to let it go? A funny thing happens when you go to the other extreme and look for ways to make someone else Right—they all of a sudden get so much better.

Or perhaps you’ve been allowing someone else to tell you how you should be, think, or act, until you feel so very small and constricted. Self-confidence ebbs. Your intuition, one of the caregiver’s strongest allies, becomes muffled. How would your life feel if you were free of such restrictive forces? What might you say, think, or do differently? Stop for a minute to imagine the sense of power and freedom, and then what you would do with it. Whatever belief or fear caused you to sacrifice your self-confidence, does that thought or fear outweigh the exhilaration that you would feel living life on your own terms? There’s no need to start a war. You can start in small ways to draw lines, to stand up for yourself.

Finally, in caregiving we can feel stuck because we feel a limited ability to be straightforward. After all, we're here to help someone else, right? Aren't we meant to keep them calm, to be secondary to their needs? It turns out that by being present, by expressing what we see as true or necessary, telling our personal truth, your relationship may suddenly become alive and begin to grow again. What was draining can now be energizing and uplifting, to both you and your loved one. For more on this, check out "The Caregiver's Compass", chapter six, where you apply MindfulCaregiving principles to your effectiveness.
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You Are Not Alone

Our sense that we are an island, 

an independent self-sufficient individual, 

bears no relation to reality.
~ Geshe Kelsang

Caregiving can be such as a emotional bootstrap operation —we try to pull ourselves up without much to hold onto. The way I handled it at first was to pretend  that, really, everything was all right. I was all right. I focused elsewhere, on the to-do list, on work, on anything that would let me sidestep the emotional pitfalls so as to stay in motion. Staying in motion felt like progress. Doing tasks felt useful. So much of caregiving is change, we caregivers need to feel we are having a positive effect on Something.

When we do talk about our emotional experience, it is often as a drama, focusing on the ways we feel stuck. In fact we can get stuck in our drama, one of the most prevalent energy sinks in caregiving. (Better to talk about our experience in ways that give energy rather than sap it.) But many of us don’t speak of our inner experience much at all.

Having never been taught how to do this complex work, it is possible in caregiving to feel horrendously alone, alone in a sort of double life—there is our personal experience of caregiving, and then there is our "life as usual" that we hope will keep rolling along. But this experience of isolation is, I believe, a state of our own making. In the long run, separating our caregiving from the rest of our lives weakens us. By refocusing on the connections in our lives, we can heal a good deal of the strain.

As Geshe Kelsang says in one of the Kadampa Lojong books, Eight Steps to Happiness:  “Without others we are nothing. Our sense that we are an island, an independent self-sufficient individual, bears no relation to reality. It is closer to the truth to picture our self as a cell in the vast body of life, distinct yet intimately bound up with all living beings.”  The new movement toward person-centered care-partering is finding that Elders whose carepartners focus first on human connection are measurably healthier and happier (http://www.edenalt.org). If that is true, then the divisions we impose on our lives are false. Caregiving has an effect on our home lives, whether we want it or not. By not focusing on our connection with the others in our lives, we diminish ourselves and our relationships. Our caregiving becomes functional. Our family and friends lose an opportunity—if we don’t let others in, we prevent them from helping, leaving them only to experience the residual strain that we bring home with us. Better to let our connection with others support and sustain us. So focus first on connection with your loved one, your family, and yourself. Everyone will feel the better for it.
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